Black Oak’s Daughter

• As I’m writing this, I have Nova playing in the background.  Remember Nova?  On PBS? I haven’t watched it in years. I usually flip past anything documentary-ish because I lived with someone for a decade and a half that watched nothing but documentaries. I’m not against them, I’m just really tired of them, and unless they interest me, I pass them up.  This Nova’s topic is Music and the brain. “Musical Minds”.  Interesting stuff.   I was watching the movie Awakenings as I was treadmilling yesterday morning.  One of the people in the Nova special was the son of the doctor that did the L-Dopa research in NY that was the subject of that movie.  What I didn’t know was that he also did research with music, and there were people in a perpetual catatonic state that got up and danced or sang when the right music played.  That’s pretty cool.  Music has always been a part of my life. I understand the power that it has on me.  I know that it’s used in many types of therapy. I’m still interested in being a therapist. I may look more into that.  I don’t see myself working in the office writing contracts forever. I could really enjoy music as therapy. I could really enjoy any therapy that helps someone make progress toward their goals.  It’s a dream I keep tucked away that is still going to happen “someday”.
• I stayed up late last night chatting with my friend Steve.  He’s one of the most creative people I know.  We had each other giggling in no time with our random conversation. He started the topic and we just kept going off on tangents. The silly things that two people do late at night chatting on facebook, huh?  Sometimes it’s fun to giggle like teenagers. He sees something in me that very few people have ever even noticed, and he told me that again last night. I won’t share specifics, but it’s really touching, and I’m very happy that someone sees the kind of potential that he sees in me.  There’s a fearlessness that’s part of our friendship. Two people that accept each other as is, no judgment, no negativity. That’s a rare and beautiful thing. That base acceptance gives our friendship a  freedom that allows for some interesting thought trains.  Steve is also an artist. A real artist, he has the kind raw, unrestrained talent that most people only dream of. We were talking about a fantasy of mine where I have the money to commission him to come here and paint a mural on my office wall.  He asked me what kind of scene I want. I have ideas about a peaceful, happy forest with all kinds of mythic creatures.  The Green Man, maybe a gryphon flying overhead, assorted faeries and pixies, a somehow non-menacing dragon, some sunshine and a stream or pond, a treant or two, maybe a cottage with dwarves. Oh, wait, that’s been done already…  anyway,  If I ever get a couple grand together that doesn’t need to be spent fixing something I will commission him to at least do a mural on canvas big enough to cover the wall that I have in mind for this piece of art.  He drew a series of faeries for me a few years ago. I might dig them out this weekend and frame them. Steve makes me smile.
• I have the next 5 days off from work. I have absolutely no plans for tomorrow, other than about an hour of work that I didn’t finish today. After that, I’ll shut off the computer and ponder the possibilities. I think a couple of closets will get organized. They really need it. I can’t find my favorite table cloth and that bugs me.  How the hell did I lose a table cloth?  So, tomorrow will probably turn into an organizational/cleaning day. I have to figure out how to unclog the tub too. Drain opener didn’t work, at all.  The rest of the weekend is up for grabs except for 2 appointments Thursday morning, and Friday is planned as a day with my best friend, but I have no idea what we’ll do yet. Hopefully something outdoors. I need to get out.

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We lost some huge personalities this week.

Personally I’m a lot more upset about Farrah Fawcett than Michael Jackson.  I respect his talent, which was huge, but he had so many problems, and that negativity overshadowed the pure energy that he was when he was performing.  His life was twisted and tortured by his own personal demons, but his music was amazing and he contributed a huge body of work at the time that my generation was listening.  I’ll remember that about him and not the bad stuff.

I also watched Farrah’s story.  Her documentary about having cancer aired in May and again this evening.  She fought the good fight with grace and as much dignity as her particular kind of cancer would allow.   That story touched me on a personal level. She worked at living, and literally fought for her life, for more than two years after her diagnosis. Y’all know my personal opinion of that particular disease. I believe I summed it up with two words on my private blog that I kept when I was going through my own very minor & curable version of it – Fuck Cancer.

Cancer takes thousands of lives every year.  Farrah’s last production was her documentary, and the unfortunate timing of Michael’s death somewhat took the spotlight off of the good that she did to show what cancer really does to a person.  Her death is tragic, she was a good person, and also a hugely talented actress, but the one good thing that could have come from it was the education and potential for donations to whatever cancer cause people are closest to. We won’t beat cancer until we throw enough research dollars at it to finally figure out the puzzle that lays in learning what makes a person susceptible, what causes cells to shift, and how to stop it from happening and cure it when it does.

Most of my donations go to the cancer society these days.  It’s a worthy cause. There are very few people that aren’t affected by it, whether it’s from having a loved one with it, or in my case, experiencing it myself.  I wouldn’t wish what I went through on anyone, and what I had was extraordinarily minor comparatively. I didn’t have to go through chemo or radiation. I had surgery, and I go to get checked every 3 months, and that’s it. Before my surgery, I did have to face my own mortality, and prepare for the inevitable. Nothing teaches a person what is important more than deciding who gets what piece of crap is left behind when they die.  How useless, how futile, who cares who gets what, really!?!  If I die, they’ll work it out. All I could do was offer my guidance and my wishes and realize that I’d have no control over whether any of it actually happened. That was a hard lesson. Cancer has no bias, no prejudice, it takes whoever it wants.  I believe that cancer is curable. I do what I can to help find the cure.

*stepping off the soap box*

Other things happened, or didn’t, this week.

I had registered for a photography class that I really would have enjoyed if it hadn’t been canceled. I didn’t find that out until I showed up for the class.  Oh well. At least I left work on time one day this week. I hope the school doesn’t hassle me about getting a refund.

All of the pieces of my waterbed have finally arrived, so tonight I’m spending the last night I’ll ever spend on my old beaten up rag of a mattress. Tomorrow morning the new mattress will take it’s place.  It will take a few hours to get it set up and filled, but when that’s done I’ll finally have the new bed.

I’m taking a few days off next week.  I have plans that I’ll share as the time gets closer.  At least one day will be spent with my best friend.  She had a birthday this week too. Her husband threw her a very cool suprise party.  If nothing else, it makes me happy that she’s got someone that loves her so much in her life.  She deserves that.  He got all her good friends together in one room for a few hours one evening. She was so happy, it was great to see.

So, it’s been a rollercoaster of a week.  The good news is that my company is doing well, and I got caught up with one of the three parts of my job today. I’ll work a few hours over the weekend and get a significant piece of another part of it done, and that will leave one project for the 2 days that I do work next week.  It’s been a challenge lately but I haven’t felt this on top of it for a while.   I have the weekend to get caught up at home too.  Once the bed is set up, the rest of the weekend will be dedicated to housekeeping. It needs it.  Physical work is more difficult than I want to admit, but I at least want the house clean for the 4th.  Who knows, maybe I’ll have a barbeque or something.

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I am going to try an make this a non depressing blog post. Hang with me for a bit.

I’m an orphan. My parents are long gone. I don’t say this so that you’ll feel sorry for me. It’s just a statement of fact.  My mom died when I was 25. Dad passed 17 years earlier than her.   I had a stepdad too. He’s also been gone for nearly a decade.

I have a lot of thoughts about not having parents in my life anymore.  Some could be judged good, and some bad. Some are probably weird, but consider the source…

The good:  I knew my parents. Even Daddy, who died when I was 8,  gave me every lesson that I needed to know about how to love and forgive people. There is no greater lesson.

The bad:  There were more lessons to learn, I’m sure, but sometimes the universe has other plans and gives you other people to learn from.

The good:  I was blessed with those other people.

My high school counselor that saved my life, my best friend to this day that I met in high school, my mentor in college, my former pastor, so many people that were in my life because of the turn that it took when Dad died.  I wouldn’t have gone to the high school or college that I attended if he had lived. It would have been the city high school for sure, and who knows what college, but probably not the cheap little commuter college that I went to.

I’m very sure that if Dad had hung around on the planet for a while, I wouldn’t have had my own child as young as I did either.  I’m also sure that he’s looking down on me and my daughter now and is an intensely proud Grandfather. But seriously, he would have killed me if I pulled what I did when I was a teenager if he was still around. My brother’s knew my dad as more of a disciplinarian than I did. They were teenagers when he died, I was still an angelic little girl <cough cough> so their perspective is a bit different from mine.

The bad:  Daddy wasn’t there to walk me down the aisle, but my stepdad was. I had mixed feelings about that at the time, but looking back now, he was the only right choice.

The good: Neigher of them were there to walk with me into divorce court. One of my best friends was there for that, and having him there felt more right than having any of my family.  I’m thankful that I didn’t have to put my mom or stepdad through the worry that parents go through at a time like that.

The bad: This economy, and I have no one but myself to fall back on.

The good: 1. My inheritance paid the down payment on my house. 2. I’m doing OK as long as my job holds out, and it looks like it will hold out for a while.

The bad: Fathers Day REALLY SUCKS.  I miss my daddy. Some years more than others.  This year it’s hitting me hard.

The good:  I had lunch with a guy at work that I barely know last week.  He’s a field rep, and I work at our HQ.  We got to talking about weekend plans and Fathers Day, and I told him that there were no fathers in my life anymore, so it’s just another weekend.  He asked me about my dad, and I told him a little. Enough for him to look at me and say “wow, he really is your hero, that’s cool.”  Yep, it is.  We talked some more about my life, and about one of his kids that has a serious medical issue, and I think we were both a little inspired by each other.  Work is work, but it’s the people that make it interesting. He and I didn’t know each other very well before that lunch, and now there’s a connection.

The bad: yet another person in my life thinks I should write a book.

The good: yet another person in my life thinks I should write a book.

I have mixed feelings about it. I don’t want to relive most of it by dredging it up and writing about it. I lived through it once.  I also think it could be inspiring if I wrote it properly, but honestly, there’s nothing really inspiring about my life right now, so how do I end it other than to say this isn’t the end? I’ve blogged enough snippets of memories that I could start with that and assemble a book from there, but seriously, who would read it?  Everyone’s got a story. There isn’t a person on the planet that hasn’t run the gamut of intense good times and bad times, just like I have.  For now I’ll stick to blogging.

The bad: I have a lot of feelings about how I brought a child into the world without a father, and then married someone that turned out to be the worst monster to her that I could have married.  I haven’t figured out how to let that guilt go yet.

The good: My kid is resilient, and freaking amazing. My ex messed both of us up pretty badly, and we both have some unresolved issues, but she’s slowly building her life into a happy one.  She had her first 7 years with my stepdad acting as her surrogate father before I was married, and I think that time with him and the unconditional love that was between them gave her more inner strength and confidence than most kids get. No matter what ex did, she now also knows that it wasn’t her fault, and that real love doesn’t act like that. Her Grampa taught her that. There have been a few bumps in the road, but she’s getting her self esteem back, and the last time I saw her, it really showed. YAY for minime.

The bad: My parents didn’t get to enjoy their senior years, or their grandchildren growing up. Mom was around for three of the four grandkids being born, it’s too bad neither of my parents got to see the grown-ups that they are today.

The good: (sorry, this is a little selfish) I don’t have to deal with their senior years. My friends parents are in their 60’s and 70’s now. They are going through things that I will never have to deal with. They also had the many years of good times and learning from their parents that I never had, so it’s a trade off.  I’d gladly trade if I could have had my parents for another 15 or 20 years longer than I did.  I didn’t though, so I have to find the rainbow anywhere I can.

I guess that’s what this is about. Finding rainbows.

This last couple of weeks has been hard, I’ve been in quite a bit of physical pain, and the depression that comes with that is hitting hard. I know the kidney surgery is coming sooner than I want, and I will choose to go through with it, because I choose to LIVE. In the last couple of weeks there have also been so many beautiful moments.   I’ve learned to appreciate them a lot.  The trip to Galena, the Hula recital with my aunt and her great (grand?) neice,  my boss also made me smile in a genuinely heartfelt gesture that showed just how much passed being co-workers and actually into a genuine friendship we actually are; and the lunch with the field rep that reminded me so much how important it is to live in the moment as much as possible.

There are rainbows if you know where to look.

My parents were both passionate people who absolutely adored and respected each other.  That is a rare and beautiful thing, and I came out of that union. I’m so blessed because of that. Today is Fathers day. People that knew my parents tell me that I look just like my mom, but that I have my father’s eyes.  I have more of him than that, but you can’t see that bit of him unless you know me really well.  He had a passion for life, and music, and people, and cars, and most of all for my mom and us kids.  My dad loved life. He almost lost his in a tragic accident as a very young child and I think that gave him an understanding deeper than most that it’s all about being present with the people that you love. He was a master at that. He had charisma, and charm, and compassion, and a truly good heart.

I love having my dad’s eyes. His were beautiful. Stunning even. Check out the pic below.  The part that I love even more is that I learned compassion, and love, and all those good things from him too.  For that, I am grateful.

Dad, 1940ish.   I think this was his High School grad pic.

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My dear friend Ken complained that I hadn’t written 1000 words about a cat hairball or some other trivia in my world, so I’m here to report that there have been no recent hairballs, (YAY!) but life has been busy. It’s SPRING people!  There are lawns to cut, plants to water, sun to enjoy.

Saturday I had the pleasure of taking my aunt to her great neices dance recital. She is learning Polynesian dance. All different styles of hula. The kids were adorable, my niece did really well, and the professional troop just made me want to go back to Hawaii. The spirit of the performance was very much what I experienced there. The dances were beautiful too. My 90 year old aunt enjoyed the whole thing, and even Old Bro who’s a dick to everyone, was marginally nice to her.  It was a good day.

Sunday was ok.  I slept in, and woke up sore.  At least the kidney flare up happened after the fun evening with my family.  I sat around most of the day, drank a lot of water, and played this ridiculous addicting game that my kid gave me.  I beat the game after a few hours, and felt better once I rehydrated, so I got up and planted the rest of my garden plants, mowed the front lawn, and finished a couple of chores.

Today I woke up, still a little sore, so I only did 1/2 mile on the treadmill, more to loosen up than to get any cardio in, but I have to be reasonable. When my kidney is bleeding, I really shouldn’t purposely be raising my blood pressure exercising. My back and legs were sore from the gardening yesterday, so I got on and did an easy 30 minute walk. I felt better afterward.

On Facebook this morning, I learned that one of my good friends from High School days lost his father to cancer over the weekend, so I spent this evening writing him an e-mail. He’ll be OK. I hope my few little sentences give him some comfort.

The bed people called today too. Most of it arrived last week, but there was one box that was damaged, so I refused it and they’re re-shipping it.  I should have it Friday, so hopefully next weekend I’ll be setting up my new bed. YAY!

I can’t let a blog post go by without mentioning this story.  Think about what kind of world it would be if every human on the planet responded to tough situations with such grace and humility.

So there you go Ken. 438 words. Just for you. Happy now?  I’m going to bed.

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Really, but I haven’t had much time/energy to write lately, so here’s a few random thoughts:

• I feel good. I started treadmilling on Sunday. Two days on, one day off. One mile a day to start with. I’ll up that as I feel ready to do more. For now a mile is enough.  It doesn’t kill me, but I feel like I did something, which is right where exercise should leave you, right?
• The food part is following. I’m eating better. Not great yet, but better. As time goes on that will improve. Right now I’m consciously stopping myself from changing everything all at once.  Exercise first.
• My new bed will be here Thursday. I’ll probably set it up Saturday.
• I’m the senior staff member at work for a couple of days. It just adds to the intensity. I’m glad that the exercise is helping my sleeping. I was pretty clear headed today. I needed it today.
• The news is crazy lately. I try not to pay attention other than a basic awareness of what’s going on in the world, but seriously, an airplane down in the ocean, Chrysler’s sale to Fiat, and Adam Lambert is gay are not 3 stories that belong together.
• Seriously, who does it personally affect whether Adam Lambert likes boys or not?  This world isn’t going to get any better as long as crap like that is newsworthy.   He’s one of the most musically creative talents to come from Idol. Pay attention to that, and how that energy carries him into a career.  I don’t plan on sleeping with the guy, so his sexuality makes no difference to me.
• And while we’re on that subject, David Carradine is dead. I liked him a lot, for most of my life. Kung Fu was one of my favorite shows when I was a kid. If I had to pinpoint when I got interested in Eastern philosophy, that show would be the beginning of that.   He contributed a respectable body of work to the entertainment world. No matter what the circumstances of his death were, they should be a private matter kept within his family.  There’s no excuse for the details that got out, the Thai police should be ashamed of themselves.
• I’m writing a piece based on this quote that I had on my old blog:  “Only the walker who sets out toward ultimate things is a pilgrim. In this lies the terrible difference between tourist and pilgrim. The tourist travels just as far, sometimes with great zeal and courage, gathering up acquisitions (a string of adventures, a wondrous tale or two) and returns the same person as the one who departed. There is something inexpressibly sad in the clutter of belongings the tourist unpacks back at home. The pilgrim is different. The pilgrim resolves that the one who returns will not be the same person as the one who set out.“  If it turns out the way I think it will, I’ll post it when I finish it.

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I’ve been thinking a lot lately, and I think that I’m going to take a lesson that I’ve learned along the way in the business world and apply it to my life.

A while back, I met Bobby Rahal. He was speaking to the group that I was a part of about his personal philosophy and how it’s led to his success in business. Bobby Rahal was an Indy car racer for many years, and now he’s an Indy car owner as part of Rahal Letterman Racing, and he owns several dealerships throughout PA and OH.

As he was describing this philosophy that came out of his racing life he talked about how he won as a driver. There are times in a race when you’ve got a car drafting you, and cars so close on your left and right, that the only way to stay out of a crash is to Focus Forward. The first goal of a race is to finish, and to finish you have to go forward, generally for a set amount of laps/miles around a track. The key is to keep your focus on going forward for as much of the time as possible.

Paying attention to the guy behind you, or the ones that are trying to push past you on either side will not facilitate forward motion. Keep your eyes on the track, where the next turn is, where you need to be, and all of those things, and never mind (as much as possible at 200 mph) the cars around you.

Lately there have been a lot of things going on in my life. It’s frustrating as hell because a lot of it demands attention, but most of that stuff doesn’t put me any closer to my personal goals.

Last week I purchased a few things that will improve my life and help in the journey forward. Normally after making some big purchases like I did, I go through guilt for spending that kind of money. There’s excitement to the shopping and getting the best deal, and then that goes away once the items are delivered and there’s a let down. This time isn’t like that. This time, I’m proud of myself for getting the deals that I did, but I’m very much looking forward to having these things that will improve my situation enough so that I feel like I’m making forward progress.

I already have parts of the bed that I ordered. I put the memory foam topper on my old tired bed, just to try it out, and I should have bought one 18 months ago. I’m realizing just how much the uncomfortable mattress is contributing to my lack of sleep. There’s also a pain factor there with the arthritis in my spine, and the foam helps with that too. When the new mattress comes, I’m betting that half of my sleep issues go away.

The treadmill will be delivered tomorrow. Roomie is grumping about it for a couple of reasons. Depending on when it gets delivered, it may be in his way in the garage for a while, and his dolly is currently holding a load of wood, so that won’t help much either. I’ll do what I can, open the box and take the parts upstairs that I can carry, and hopefully he’ll help me with the big part. It won’t be in his way long. The other reason he’s grumping is because he doesn’t understand why I’d spend a lot of money on a treadmill when there’s a perfectly good sidewalk out front. Here’s an example of where I need to focus forward and not give his comment the power to derail my forward motion. Being able to get up in the morning, step into my home office where the treadmill will be, and walk a mile before I get into the shower in the morning, and then maybe again at night before dinner, will do more for me physically and mentally than almost any other lifestyle change can. My orhthopedic surgeon stressed how important walking is. My back is still as weak as it was 2 years ago when I had the surgery because I haven’t been walking. Walking is a core exercise. It keeps things toned and aligned properly. The issue with taking longer walks has to do with a problem that I haven’t told anyone about that I have with my feet. I can do a mile on a treadmill a couple of times a day. No problem. I can’t go out and walk 45 minutes without aggravating the nerves on the soles of my feet. This is a new issue in the last couple of years. There are a few things that could be causing that problem, but forgive me if I don’t want to deal with the any more doctors at the moment. I’ve had enough of them. Ultimately, losing weight will most likely make the problem go away. I’ve learned that I need to lead my weight loss efforts with exercise. So, I’ll just break the walks into smaller bits, and even if I do 15 minutes twice a day, that’s 30 minutes more than I have been doing. Focus Forward. Concentrate on what I CAN do and not on what I can’t do.

Here’s the progression of goals that I’m aiming for:
Getting a bit of exercise in (2x 15 minute walks minimum, 5 days a week) to make me tired enough to sleep well on my new bed. Being well rested, and working at exercising, in turn, will contribute to the motivation to eat properly.

Being exhausted all of the time definitely has contributed to my weight issues. Hopefully the better bed and the couple of walks a day, along with eating better, will change my life for the better. I’m not going to set any weight loss goals, but I will monitor progress and make small adjustments as needed. I’ve tried way too many times, to tackle all of the problems all at once, and get quickly discouraged when I don’t lose a certain amount of weight over a certain amount of time. I’m not going to set myself up that way this time.

I’m making 2 changes to begin with. I’ll be walking and I’ll be sleeping. The third change will come as time goes on. My eating has to be the third step to this change, and not the first step. Leading with “diet” is fatal for me. I can’t sustain a “diet”. I can sustain a couple of walks a day and between feeling good about myself for doing that, and not wanting to waste the effort, inevitably I’ll begin eating better. It’s NOT a diet. It’s tracking what I’m eating, and getting more veggies and fruits, and less of the “trigger foods” that I only eat to soothe my exhausted, sore, lonely self.

That sounds like a plan that I can sustain.

There are other aspects of my life that I’ll be tackling as time goes on too. The de-cluttering continues. My storage room is becoming organized. There are plenty of Garage Sales for charities that are coming up that I’ll gladly contribute to. The first one that I’ve heard of is in July. That gives me a month to get a few boxes ready. I already have one done. A couple more and the floor in there will be completely clear of boxes.

I don’t discuss the “Man Situation” in my life here out of respect for others privacy. In the past few months I’ve discovered a few things about myself that pertain to that whole realm of my life. I also spent yesterday with my best friend, and she gave me some good input too. I think my attitude about relationships is slowly getting back to a healthier state. I’m not ready to commit to anyone yet, I still need to do more work myself before that thought doesn’t terrify me, but I’m getting there.

In a lot of ways I’m getting there. Now I just have to focus forward and continue to make progress.

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I had a conversation with my chiropractor on Friday when I was there for my treatment. I told him about the new bed that I’d been saving for. We talked about the style (waterbed/foam) and the price (anything less than $2k is really a good price). I also mentioned that I was looking for a decent treadmill sale this weekend. I really miss the one that my ex took when we split, and I really need to start using one again. My chiropractor looked at me and told me flat out that he’s really proud of me for doing these things for myself. That made me smile. Of course Roomie thinks I’m an idiot for spending money on a treadmill when there’s a perfectly good sidewalk right out the front door, but I’m not good in heat, or rain, or snow, or with strangers, so to get rid of all of those possibilities/excuses I’ll go for a 2 mile walk in my office every day and get some quality TV watching in too. Now if there were just some quality TV to watch….

So, this weekend I got really lucky, and very, very, spendy. The treadmill that I ended up buying is a $1700 machine. It was on their website on sale for Memorial Dayfor $799. I got it for $749 ($50 off coupon code) + $30ish for the care kit for it & free shipping. It comes with a wireless heart rate monitor, a memory card loaded with “wellness workouts” and apparently it’s got decent speakers and a port for my iPhone/iPod, along with all that other stuff that good treadmills have.

I also bit the bullet and got the bed that I’ve been saving for since my last bonus check got spent on cat surgery. I shopped around, and got it for considerably less than $2k, and then I went to overstock.com, got a 2″ good quality foam topper, deep pocket Sealy mattress pad, and new set of deep pocket flannel sheets for less than the price that they wanted for the mattress pad on the mattress website. New bed, and all that extra stuff, still less than $2k! Go Me. Oh, and free shipping on the bed, and $2.95 for shipping and a 10% off coupon code on the rest of the stuff, at Overstock.

Momma didn’t raise no fools. Well, no female one’s anyway

This weekend was also good for my car.
I took it to the dealership where my brother works, and paid him for the 1/2 hour of labor that it took to replace the leaky vacuum hose. Car repair, anywhere else $100+. Old Bro fixing it at his dealership $46, and he did that 23 point inspection thing (plug in the diagnostic computer) for free.

I also got new brakes on my car. The old ones were getting pretty bad. Grabby, grindy, squeaky noises were making me nervous. The last time I had Midas do them was over $600. This time my neighbor did them for $75 plus parts, most of which I got at Chrysler wholesale from my family connection, so I figure I saved 50% over the half baked jerks at Midas and Neighbor Guy does it right. He bleeds the lines and everything, which Midas doesn’t do unless you ask, and then they charge another $70 for it. Jerks.

So, the only thing left that I need is new tires (and Prince Charming to help me break in the new bed, but that’s a whole other story). I saw some tires on sale at TireRack.com that I’ll look into soon. Now that my car’s all fixed and I’ve invested in brakes, I’ll do my best to keep the thing running through at least one more winter. My current tires are marginally unsafe even if the pavement’s a little wet, so I’m not going to dare to do another winter on them. I’ve made a goal to get 4 decent quality tires installed for less than $550. It can be done, I just have to shop around. I’ll have the transmission serviced soon too. It’s been a bit jumpy lately. The car’s ugly, and totally not my style anymore, but it’s paid for and it runs, so it stays for a while.

I feel a bit whoreish for spending Memorial Day weekend in shopping mode, but by taking advantage of sales, and doing my research, I saved quite a bit.

I took my car for a drive today to test the brakes, and mostly just get out of the house. I ended up at the cemetery where most of my immediate relatives are buried. My parents, my mom’s parents, and a couple of aunts and uncles are there. That place is one of my sacred places. I go there when life gets hard and I need to heal my heart. I also go there when I need a reality check. There’s nothing like seeing your dead parent’s graves to give life a little perspective.

Today was neither. I didn’t go there because it’s Memorial Day either. I’ve never done that before. Memorial Day is about Soldiers and war dead. None of my family members that died at war are at this particular cemetery. I was just out for a drive, and I haven’t been there in a while, so what the heck, I went.

The cemetery was the most crowded that I’ve seen it. Flowers everywhere, people everywhere. There were a couple of entire families gathering at their loved ones graves. I find it interesting culturally that the two families that I saw from a reasonably close distance were Hispanic. Different cultures honor their dead in different ways. These people were gathered, talking and smiling with each other, like it was just a walk through a park, or something equally peaceful. It was nice. That’s how I feel when I go visit my parents there. The love, the faith, the energy that they put into life and living; that’s what I feel there. Yes, there’s a little sadness too, but mostly there’s gratitude that I was entirely blessed as a child to be part of these people’s lives.

It was a good Memorial Day weekend.

It should only take me three or four months to pay it off.. Oy. (but go me!)

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Today is Memorial Day. Between all the BBQ’s and parties and sales and projects that we’re all trying to cram into the long weekend, take a moment and remember why we have this day.

My family, like so many others, has history in the military. I don’t know anyone that hasn’t had a family member or friend serve this country. Roomie’s dad spent his entire career between the Marines and Dept of State. Two of my uncles were awarded medals for their service in WWII, and a second cousin is buried in the American Cemetery on a hill near Normandy France. My youngest uncle went to Korea. My generation fought in the first Gulf War, my friends James and Ted were there, my best friends sister was also a Marine during that time. My daughter’s generation is over there now in the second one. Hundreds of thousands of our young men have made the decision to leave their lives and fight against the ideas that would threaten our way of life.

Throughout US history, whether the men were volunteers, or whether they were chosen by Selective Service, they put themselves in harms way so that their families, and complete strangers like me can live in a country where we are allowed liberty and freedom to lead meaningful lives without oppression. More than anything else, when you think about America, and the truly beautiful country that it is, think also about the price we’ve paid to keep the basic values that founded this country.

Take a moment and remember the things that we take for granted. Just for a moment, think about what life would be like if no one defended our freedom, if we lived under the same oppression that exists in many other places on the planet. Think about what our lives would be like.

I’m a single mom, with my own house, work a mid-level management job, and have the freedom to pursue anything I feel that I can achieve. There are a lot of places still in the world where I wouldn’t even get past that first statement, much less have the success in life and in business that I’ve worked for all these years. The economy may be rough, the work may be a little harder these days, but the fact remains that I wouldn’t even have a chance if I didn’t live in a country that is founded on freedom where we have the right to pursue anything I want.

That’s what these men and women who put themselves in harm’s way have given me.

Today I’ll take a moment or two, and honor them, in my own way. I hope everyone that lives here does the same.

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PEBKAC – Problem exists between Keyboard and Chair.  It’s an old IT joke, meaning “User Error”.  It wasn’t wordpress that lost my posts, it was me. I’m a dork. I deleted the wrong stuff.  I was erasing a whiney post that I wrote about insomnia at 4 am this morning and a few other drafts that I’m never going to finish and somehow I got carried away and erased all of May’s posts.  That’s ok. My writing has been shitty lately. Except for the piece about beautiful little Rose (dammit!), the rest of it was expendable.

I haven’t slept more than 6 hours a night in three weeks. I could whine about it, but that’s not my style. At least I’m trying for it not to be my style. I haven’t been writing a lot lately because it’s all coming out whiney.  My friends know how I feel about whiners, and seriously, I’m driving myself a little nutty with it.  Between the lack of sleep, the pressure at work, and everything else going on, I’m a bit of a mess lately.

There are good things going on in my world. I’m going to focus on them for a while.

I got an unexpected bonus from work. We were told a few months ago that we wouldn’t get our bonuses this time around, but we got 50%. It’s better than nothing, and I’ve decided that the new bed that I’ve been trying to save for is going to happen in the next couple of weeks.  The check will pay for about 2/3 of it, and I’ve got enough in savings to cover the rest. I’m going to wait until Memorial Day to order it. Maybe it will be on sale.  I need to sleep, and my 10 year old lumpy broken down mattress isn’t helping that effort, so as much as I hate spending that money,  it will make a needed difference in my life. Roomie has the same bed, and it’s really the most comfortable bed I’ve slept on.  It’s half waterbed, half mattress. I didn’t know it was a waterbed the first few times I slept on it.

As far as the sleep issues go, I’m also pondering getting the sleep study done that my Doc recommended. It can’t hurt.  My Chiropractor has done a lot to alleviate the neck pain too, so all that’s left to keep me awake is my sore kidney and no estrogen. Maybe a sleep study can help.  Anything would be better than living on the brink of this insane exhaustion.  I’ve never had to work so hard at sleeping.

As for injecting a little fun and interesting stuff into my life – I found out that the local community college offers photography classes at my village hall. There’s one on Photo Shop Photo Suite 2.0 that includes a free copy of the software for the $35 class fee, and there’s another that’s 2 sessions on Introductory Photography. It’s kind of a crash course in camera settings and what they do and then a practical class on things like framing a pic, shooting at angles, etc.  I think that both of those will be interesting, and fun, and a step toward improving my craft.  After that they offer a more in depth non credit course that’s really an intro to digital photography. I’ll investigate that after I get through the first two.

My friend James is a nature photographer. He does beautiful work and he posted some things I’d never seen on his new web home.  I am re-inspired, as I have been every time he shares his work with me.  I’m typing this in my office, facing a huge framed picture that he took. It brings beauty and peacefulness to my office. His newer work is on a different website that he shared with me yesterday.  One day, after I learn the basics that I need to learn, I want to spend a few days with him in his home environment (he lives in the Adirondacks)  and learn how he composes shots, and also how he enhances them later with digital photo tools.  I’m more of a purist than he is, I don’t mess with my shots too much, but even the basic shots that he works with are stunning before enhancement, and that’s what I hope to learn from him.  A nice hike in the mountains would do me a world of good too. Maybe I’ll take a drive up there this fall when the leaves are changing.

I bought some plants to pretty up my front yard too.  Of course it’s supposed to frost tonight, so they’re still in the car.  It NEVER frosts after May 15 where I live. That’s the safe date for gardeners in my region. May 15th was Friday.  Tomorrow will be two entire days after May 15th. Hopefully we’ll warm up enough that they won’t freeze after I plant them tomorrow.  My house is pretty with it’s new siding, and roof. We’ll finish the painting this year, and trim the deadwood off the trees, and the flowers will dress it up just enough.  I probably won’t be moving any time soon, but at least I can make the place a little presentable.

Tomorrow’s going to be busy.  I have planting, and laundry, and cleaning, and some work for work too.

Maybe I’ll sleep tonight.

I hope.

g’nite.

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I just lost a bunch of posts… grumble… stay tuned while i try to rescue them.

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