Black Oak's Daughter

I am going to try an make this a non depressing blog post. Hang with me for a bit.

I’m an orphan. My parents are long gone. I don’t say this so that you’ll feel sorry for me. It’s just a statement of fact.  My mom died when I was 25. Dad passed 17 years earlier than her.   I had a stepdad too. He’s also been gone for nearly a decade.

I have a lot of thoughts about not having parents in my life anymore.  Some could be judged good, and some bad. Some are probably weird, but consider the source…

The good:  I knew my parents. Even Daddy, who died when I was 8,  gave me every lesson that I needed to know about how to love and forgive people. There is no greater lesson.

The bad:  There were more lessons to learn, I’m sure, but sometimes the universe has other plans and gives you other people to learn from.

The good:  I was blessed with those other people.

My high school counselor that saved my life, my best friend to this day that I met in high school, my mentor in college, my former pastor, so many people that were in my life because of the turn that it took when Dad died.  I wouldn’t have gone to the high school or college that I attended if he had lived. It would have been the city high school for sure, and who knows what college, but probably not the cheap little commuter college that I went to.

I’m very sure that if Dad had hung around on the planet for a while, I wouldn’t have had my own child as young as I did either.  I’m also sure that he’s looking down on me and my daughter now and is an intensely proud Grandfather. But seriously, he would have killed me if I pulled what I did when I was a teenager if he was still around. My brother’s knew my dad as more of a disciplinarian than I did. They were teenagers when he died, I was still an angelic little girl <cough cough> so their perspective is a bit different from mine.

The bad:  Daddy wasn’t there to walk me down the aisle, but my stepdad was. I had mixed feelings about that at the time, but looking back now, he was the only right choice.

The good: Neigher of them were there to walk with me into divorce court. One of my best friends was there for that, and having him there felt more right than having any of my family.  I’m thankful that I didn’t have to put my mom or stepdad through the worry that parents go through at a time like that.

The bad: This economy, and I have no one but myself to fall back on.

The good: 1. My inheritance paid the down payment on my house. 2. I’m doing OK as long as my job holds out, and it looks like it will hold out for a while.

The bad: Fathers Day REALLY SUCKS.  I miss my daddy. Some years more than others.  This year it’s hitting me hard.

The good:  I had lunch with a guy at work that I barely know last week.  He’s a field rep, and I work at our HQ.  We got to talking about weekend plans and Fathers Day, and I told him that there were no fathers in my life anymore, so it’s just another weekend.  He asked me about my dad, and I told him a little. Enough for him to look at me and say “wow, he really is your hero, that’s cool.”  Yep, it is.  We talked some more about my life, and about one of his kids that has a serious medical issue, and I think we were both a little inspired by each other.  Work is work, but it’s the people that make it interesting. He and I didn’t know each other very well before that lunch, and now there’s a connection.

The bad: yet another person in my life thinks I should write a book.

The good: yet another person in my life thinks I should write a book.

I have mixed feelings about it. I don’t want to relive most of it by dredging it up and writing about it. I lived through it once.  I also think it could be inspiring if I wrote it properly, but honestly, there’s nothing really inspiring about my life right now, so how do I end it other than to say this isn’t the end? I’ve blogged enough snippets of memories that I could start with that and assemble a book from there, but seriously, who would read it?  Everyone’s got a story. There isn’t a person on the planet that hasn’t run the gamut of intense good times and bad times, just like I have.  For now I’ll stick to blogging.

The bad: I have a lot of feelings about how I brought a child into the world without a father, and then married someone that turned out to be the worst monster to her that I could have married.  I haven’t figured out how to let that guilt go yet.

The good: My kid is resilient, and freaking amazing. My ex messed both of us up pretty badly, and we both have some unresolved issues, but she’s slowly building her life into a happy one.  She had her first 7 years with my stepdad acting as her surrogate father before I was married, and I think that time with him and the unconditional love that was between them gave her more inner strength and confidence than most kids get. No matter what ex did, she now also knows that it wasn’t her fault, and that real love doesn’t act like that. Her Grampa taught her that. There have been a few bumps in the road, but she’s getting her self esteem back, and the last time I saw her, it really showed. YAY for minime.

The bad: My parents didn’t get to enjoy their senior years, or their grandchildren growing up. Mom was around for three of the four grandkids being born, it’s too bad neither of my parents got to see the grown-ups that they are today.

The good: (sorry, this is a little selfish) I don’t have to deal with their senior years. My friends parents are in their 60’s and 70’s now. They are going through things that I will never have to deal with. They also had the many years of good times and learning from their parents that I never had, so it’s a trade off.  I’d gladly trade if I could have had my parents for another 15 or 20 years longer than I did.  I didn’t though, so I have to find the rainbow anywhere I can.

I guess that’s what this is about. Finding rainbows.

This last couple of weeks has been hard, I’ve been in quite a bit of physical pain, and the depression that comes with that is hitting hard. I know the kidney surgery is coming sooner than I want, and I will choose to go through with it, because I choose to LIVE. In the last couple of weeks there have also been so many beautiful moments.   I’ve learned to appreciate them a lot.  The trip to Galena, the Hula recital with my aunt and her great (grand?) neice,  my boss also made me smile in a genuinely heartfelt gesture that showed just how much passed being co-workers and actually into a genuine friendship we actually are; and the lunch with the field rep that reminded me so much how important it is to live in the moment as much as possible.

There are rainbows if you know where to look.

My parents were both passionate people who absolutely adored and respected each other.  That is a rare and beautiful thing, and I came out of that union. I’m so blessed because of that. Today is Fathers day. People that knew my parents tell me that I look just like my mom, but that I have my father’s eyes.  I have more of him than that, but you can’t see that bit of him unless you know me really well.  He had a passion for life, and music, and people, and cars, and most of all for my mom and us kids.  My dad loved life. He almost lost his in a tragic accident as a very young child and I think that gave him an understanding deeper than most that it’s all about being present with the people that you love. He was a master at that. He had charisma, and charm, and compassion, and a truly good heart.

I love having my dad’s eyes. His were beautiful. Stunning even. Check out the pic below.  The part that I love even more is that I learned compassion, and love, and all those good things from him too.  For that, I am grateful.

Dad, 1940ish.   I think this was his High School grad pic.

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