I’ve also been working every day on getting my crochet even enough to make a blanket. I found a beautiful pattern, and I’m to the point where I just have one more thing to improve and then I’ll start in earnest on that.

I’ve been working on my technological life too.  I saved up enough to get a new computer that will get me through the next few years. The macbook that I was gifted has been wonderful, but it’s now also three years old and relatively slow (my other hobby is gaming), and the new ones are ahead of that curve. So, I saved and saved and cashed in some vacation and used Minime’s educational discount and bought a new one yesterday. I’ve spent this weekend moving things over there and getting it set up. I’ll go visit Minime in a couple of weeks to get the things done that I don’t know how to do, and then I’ll have a much better computer.  In the mean time, I’m still working on the old one which is also OK. As I work I’m taking note of what I use and what I don’t.  It will all come together soon.

This new computer is quite the milestone as well. When I resurrected my finances last year with a little help from my family, I had a list of three goals.  The first was camera gear.  Well that one fell into my lap when Minime sold me her used gear to finance a trip that she was taking. The second goal was the new Macbook.  Mission accomplished.  The third goal will have to wait though. My tax bill this year will take a while to pay off. I’ll do that as quickly as possible and then when that’s done, and my credit rating has had time to heal, I’ll go either lease or buy a new or newer used car.

This new computer will make a difference in my blog too. Soon (and I’m excited about this) it will no longer be a huge process to post pics, so soon I’ll be able to show you what I’m telling you about!  The old Macbook didn’t have a card reader on it, so getting pics off of the camera was a multi-step pain.  That is soon to be a non issue and I’ll be posting more pics.  YAY!

Yesterday we also went to Ikea and I replaced a couple of lamps. I had one of those $8  floor lamps from there, and it had a good life, but I picked it up to vacuum around it a couple of weeks ago and it literally fell apart in my hand.  So, I have now upgraded to a $20 floor lamp. The base is about three times as heavy, the torchier is actually hand blown glass, and the switch is an actual on/off switch and not one of those rotating wheel switches.  It’s silly how much pretty lighting makes me happy.  I also got a beautiful little floral etched glowing globe of glass for my office.  As I de-junkify and simplify, that little light will be so pretty, and fitting in my cozy little office.  There’s some more motivation to continue the de-junkifying. Soon my office will be prettier. The tree outside will be green and leafy, and I’ll have a nice creative and relaxing space. YAY!

We also went for dinner at our most recent favorite place.  We got a really slow waitress, but the food was excellent.  All in all it was a really good day.

Minime sucked me into Pinterest too. We’re both getting ideas from it. It’s pretty amazing what happens when you turn a bazillion crafty creative people into a single collective hive mind. That’s what Pinterest is.  There’s food, decorating, fashion, crafts, photography, wisdoms and jokes, and anything else you can think of there.  She found a recipe for some homemade laundry soap and it makes a lot, so I had her bring me some to try. I didn’t want to make buckets full of this stuff and (1) have it be crap or (2) have me be allergic to it.  This weekend’s laundry was the test. If I don’t break out from it, I’ll probably switch to it. It’s ridiculously cheap, with nothing except the ingredients that laundry soap should have.  I’ve been paying between $14 and $20 a month for laundry soap. If I switch to this stuff, that might be my yearly tab for laundry soap.  We’ll see how this week goes. I even washed my sheets in it, so I’ll know pretty quickly.  My skin hates certain chemicals in some laundry soap, so if I wake up itchy, I’ll know.

Whew, it’s been a busy weekend.

Namaste

A couple of months ago Minime got the coolest new job she’s ever had. She loves it, and that’s saying a lot because she’s never lasted more than a few months in a corporate environment.  She’s so damn smart she gets bored easily and that’s when the problems start. This one is cool though.  It’s for <insert trumpet fanfare here>  my hosting company’s biggest competitor.

She gets to geek out and make money. It’s pretty ideal for her. She’s been networking computers since 2nd grade. It’s in her blood.

As part of her job, she also gets a huge discount on a reseller account, and as her customer I get a huge discount on my own reseller account.  I can now branch my web presence out the way I’ve been dreaming of without most of the cost, without using subdomains, which is really messy, and the cherry on the cake is that I get awesome tech support – Minime

She’s done with training and starts her normal shift this coming week. Even though she’s been getting up at 5 am for the last couple of months, she’s come home most days loving her job, learning new things, excited about the sales she’s making, and ready to go at it again.  I’m happy for her. I hope it continues to be this fun for her.

As for this site. I’m still editing, changing things, and fixing things.  It will get better as time goes on. Right now I don’t have the time I need to do it all at once and keep my other projects moving forward, so it will happen a little at a time.  This has become more of my personal journal than the public site that I originally envisioned and I’m going to keep it that way.  I have a pretty clear vision of what I want to do with other sites, so I’ll be working on that in my other spare time <cough>.

As for a life update… Things are moving in the right direction, but there is truth in the saying that the easiest way past something is directly through it. Therapy is hard. There have been weeks where it has been all consuming. This means that we’re getting to the core of some issues and facing them head on.  Can I tell you how much it sucks?  Every time I think that there will be a breath of fresh air, there’s something right there to suck it right out of me. There is a light at the end of the tunnel though. I’m not giving up. I know that if I stick with this things will get better, and if I don’t, then nothing will change and things will just keep getting worse, so I’m sticking to it because it’s the right thing to do for myself. The diet, not so much, but I’m mostly back on that wagon too.  It’s all tied together, making good decisions for myself, food included.

I have also begun crafting again. Nothing that I used to do before, but trying new things that interest me. Today I made a pomander out of an orange, some cloves, and spices, and now it needs to be tended to for a couple of weeks while the orange dehydrates, and then it should smell (more) wonderful. I’ll tie it up with some ribbon and make somewhere smell pretty.  I’m also going to work on learning how to do a new crochet project this weekend. I bought the pattern and the yarn last week.

It’s something I can do and keep an eye on my cat that is sick again.  I think that she’s nearly out of her nine lives, but this spell hasn’t been as bad as some so I’m hoping she pulls out of it. I am making use of the kitty pharmacy that the vet has provided to get her through these spells, and spoiling her rotten with whatever food she can tolerate.  She’s still got the mass in her gut, and that can cause problems really quickly if it grows, so I’m keeping a close eye on her. Fingers crossed that she’ll be OK.

Namaste

I don’t know why I haven’t done this sooner, other than the ridiculous amount of stuff in that room is just plain intimidating.  In everything that I bagged for charity, there was only one thing that I thought twice about, and I still let it go. There’s no need to keep so much of this stuff.  Yesterday alone I emptied an entire bookshelf, a double sized laundry basket, and 2 boxes of stuff, and out of all of that I kept one box of momentos, 3 stuffed animals, and a couple of area rugs that were at the bottom of the basket. I can USE those and I totally forgot about them because they were BURIED.

My mom was a hoarder.  Hard core.  We lived in a 3000 square foot house. The basement had an 18″ wide path from front to back, the rest was stuff that mom “saved”.  Under all of that stuff was a professional billiards table, a fully functional beautifully tiled and mirrored wet bar, and lots of other cool playthings that we never could play with. There were rooms upstairs too that were like that. We never really had people over, other than our neighbor who was mom’s good friend and didn’t care about the house. I never had a lot of friends to begin with, I didn’t want them, but those that I had rarely got to go inside the house.  We had a great back yard, and we hung out there all summer, but in the house was kind of embarrassing and therefore mostly forbidden to my friends by my hoarder mother.

I DO NOT want to live this way. My house is half the size of hers. I have three not very large bedrooms and this one that I’m cleaning out is significantly better after just one days effort.  It will take a couple more days, but there’s progress, and I’m loving that. There’s an empty dresser in there that will be filled with the mementos that I found, and also photographs and the little bit of craft stuff that I’m keeping.  That’s it. Simple. I need the storage space, I don’t need the insignificant crap that’s in there taking up room instead of the treasures that live precariously in bags and boxes piled everywhere.  My treasures will have their home.

I’m loving letting go of this crap that’s been encumbering my soul as well as my house. I have a starting point and that’s awesome.  The next project is clearing off the desk that’s in there. It’s buried under boxes full of more stuff. That desk is where I can do some sewing when I need to.  I will probably take another 20 bags out of there before I’m finished, and that’s fine. What will be left is what is important. The rest of this stuff just piled up as the years went on.  That’s what happened to Mom too. But she never cleared out a room. She never let go. She had to hold on to everything because it might be useful someday.  Well, it might have been, if she could have found it. I doubt it.

After Mom died, it took my step-dad two years, making trips every day to the recycle station by the house, to empty the basement. Most of it was newspapers and magazines travel sections and cooking sections.  The coupon sections took up a whole room upstairs, so this was just the left overs that she’d get to someday.  Her someday never came, and she left a big mess for us.  I don’t want to do that. I want a respectable house that I can enjoy while I’m living and healthy. Mom died a hoarder. That makes me sad and angry, but mostly sad.  She’d lost so much in life, just like I have, but her PTSD manifested in hoarding.  Mine has other ways, but I’m working on that too.

My house is slowly getting organized.  It’s still a little messy, and that’s OK,  it’s MY house and I’m not a neat freak. I’m also not a hoarder, so it mostly feels really freeing to get rid of this pile that I’m getting rid of today. I was talking to my therapist about this whole effort and she was astonished that I was ready to take this leap.  When I was talking about it, it felt like it would be emotionally difficult to let go of this stuff, but the thing I’ve found while doing it is that I’m not attached to 3/4 of the crap in that room.  I found one box that had some serious family treasures in it. I kept everything in that box and today it will be sorted into a couple of dresser drawers. The rest of it was just stuff that had collected over the years, and since I never learned how to get rid of anything as a kid, I never thought about it as an adult.  My mom trained me well. Every time I threw something out I hear her in my head going “Save That!”  and then I tossed it faster There was a lot of Mom in My Head yesterday.  At one level I feel like I’m dishonoring her by donating/tossing this crap, a few things of which even came from her.  On every other level, I feel like I’m becoming the person that she always wanted to be. Someone that I want to become, that would make my parents proud. Maybe I’m taking a few steps closer to being a little proud of myself too. It’s been a long time since I’ve felt anything remotely like that.

Besides, Mom in My Head,  the stuff that is going to charity will find a much more useful place than my junk room. They can sell it and support themselves. That’s cool.  I’m not just throwing it out. There’s only one bag of trash for 20+ of give away stuff. I don’t think that’s bad. So there!

I can rid myself of possessions that do nothing for me and support myself emotionally into a much better place than I was when I cringed every time I walked past that room. That cringe was learned early in life. It’s time to unlearn it.  It will take some work, but I’ll start in this room. It’s a good Winter project.

Next task: the basement. It’s not nearly as bad as mom’s, but there’s a bunch of junk down there that can go too.

One project at a time, right?

Namaste

Time for a random thoughts post.

Christmas was good. It was hard too. New Years was harder.  Good riddance to last year. Really. Too much loss, death, sickness, brokeness. For PTSD’d me it was all kind of the last straw.  I got a therapist. A really good therapist that makes me think, and laugh, and cry, and everything that I need to do to get less shell shocked.  But then she took a couple of weeks off. Holy bad timing Batman.  But good timing too. It forced me to cope with a couple of things on my own.  God I miss my family, but I have moved forward even if it’s just a little bit.  I’m still alive and no one in my past would want me to wallow, so I don’t, but there might have been a tear or two for Big Brother over new years. I can’t figure out how to make the world feel right without him in it. I know that gets better with time, but I’m not there yet.

We all got the plague for Christmas too, that wasn’t fun. The family all shared a nasty strain of bronchitis. Two of my old people were very ill. The little kid in me cowered, praying they’d recover. They did. My 84 year old aunt spent a few days in the hospital, and my 93 year old aunt stuck it out at home.  I wanted to strangle her when she told me that all she wanted for the three days before I found out she was sick was a warm bowl of chicken soup.  I gave her a piece of my mind about that. She will call me next time. She better.

The best thing about the holidays is that I’ve seen Minime several times in the last few weeks. I met her new boyfriend yesterday. He seems nice.  I’ll see them again next weekend too. I’m going to deliver the rest of her newly bought IKEA sofa that didn’t fit in her car and see her new place.  I’ve heard good things.  She’s got a new job too. So far so good. Go Minime!

Also next weekend, I’ve committed to giving at least 15 bags of stuff away. They’ll pick them up sometime after 7 am saturday.  I have about half of them ready, so this week will be busy. Most of what I’m getting rid of is books and stuff out of my junk room. Clearing some space, de-junking, call it what you will. Simplifying is what it really is.  Something in me clicked a while back. I don’t need to keep myself buried in this junk anymore.  It feels good to be getting rid of it, but actually doing it takes energy, so it hasn’t happened yet. I’m pushing myself to fill 2 bags a night.

Also, I’m purging Christmas stuff that I haven’t used in a couple of years.  I took the plunge and bought a really nice fake Christmas tree on a really good sale after New Years, so I need to make a little room in the crawl space that it will live in for 11 months a year. This is another move toward “normal” for me.  I’ve had a little 4 ft prelit one for the few years since my divorce. Before then, my ex and his idiocy ruled Christmas with his tree through the roof stunt.  Now all of that is behind me and I’ll have a nice normal 7.5 foot tree that all of my ornaments will fit on and everything. I’m psyched.  They wanted $100 more for lights, so I’ll be stringing it with lights myself, but I don’t mind. It’s going to be gorgeous. I’ve already decided. So there.

There has been one REALLY GOOD thing too.  Roomie, after 50+ years of smoking, just up and quit. He decided to do it on his own.  He didn’t tell me he was going to, but I noticed after the first day for two reasons. First, there’s a noticeable lack of smoke when you walk in the front door now, and second, the ashtray in the kitchen is gone.   I’m really proud of him.  He made it through a week so far. He’s doing great. It’s a good thing I got him the hot air popper that he requested for Christmas, he’s been munching on popcorn a lot. At least it’s relatively healthy air popped stuff.  He’s doing great, and I’ll do anything I can to help if he asks. The old smoke smell lingers in the house, but I’ll start cleaning room by room and get rid of that as I can. The important thing is that he’s made this major leap towards good health and I’m really proud that he’s doing it.

The Vegan effort also continues. I kind of crashed and burned during the holidays, between being sick for 3 weeks and the whole emotional thing it got kind of hard for me to care much. But now, between finding a couple of new interesting recipes (thanks to Pinterest), and knowing that eating this way is part of a bigger picture that I’m working on in therapy, I’m getting back on the wagon. Making better decisions for myself and stopping the self destructive behaviors that have worked their way in to my brain is important. And FREAKING HARD. I seem to be going for longer and longer periods of time without slipping back into the old behaviors, so maybe this therapy stuff is helping.  I’m committed to sticking with it. I spent a buttload of money today on everything that we need that is healthy and good. I made a really yummy dinner for us too. We’re both kind of tired of eating Tex-Mex style. It seems that all the plant based believers haven’t figured out how to do anything but beans and rice and corn and peppers, combined in an infinite number of ways that all kind of taste the same.  We’re going to try and find some Asian style stuff that fits with the plan too.  We need more variety, so we’ll find some and carry on.  I really don’t even want to see another burrito for at least a couple of weeks.

Another big change coming: I’ll be making some changes to this site.  Minime works for a hosting company now, so we’re going to host together (translation, she’s getting a reseller account for stupid cheap, and I’m done with paying $120 a year for my little hosting service that only gives me one slot on a server).  Once that all happens, I’ve got some fresh ideas for how to proceed here. We’ll see how much time I’ll have to throw at that, but it will be fun, and a learning experience, and hey, I gave birth to my tech support, so it will be kind of cool (for me).

I think that’s it for now, and I just crossed 1100 words, so thanks for hanging in there with my ramblings.

Namaste

I completely forgot the cranberry sauce.  LOL Christmas dinner item #1 procured.

For Christmas there will be some form of meat, Roomie’s pushing game hens, and if I don’t serve my mom’s lasagna I will be lynched, but the rest of the meal will secretly be the kind of yummy wholesome healthy food we had yesterday.  I have a month to plan, and test cook another veggie lasagna. I’m on a mission. I have the perfect meat lasagna recipe. Now the challenge is to take the meat out and still have something flavorful and delicious that is also healthy.  It can be done, fairly easily as it turns out.

Who knew?

This stuff is fun for me. I’m a foodie, and also a midwestern girl that was raised on bacon, eggs, steak and potatoes.  It’s a radical shift from what I know and it’s been really joyful making the discoveries that I have that are redefining my concept of delicious and wonderful.

I’m calling the Thanksgiving meal a success.  It was also a learning experience, a good one.

YAY!

Namaste

My best friend learned what it was like to lose a parent. Her father lived in Guatemala.  She got the news and was on a flight six hours later. There’s very little that I can do for her from here. She told me it was payback for getting divorced while she lived in Tennessee.  Only friends like us could joke about stuff like that and get the humor in it.  She’s still down there, and probably will be for another week settling his estate, and visiting with relatives that she didn’t know she had.

Another good friend flew 5000 miles to be with his family as his father faces very serious surgery after a heart attack that he had the same day best friend lost her dad.

This past week, a short term loan that would solve a lot of problems for me fell through.

This past week I went to the store for carrots, celery, and bread. I picked up a few other things, and went home to discover that the bag with the carrots, celery, and bread were still at the store.

This past week work was pretty rough between people traveling and being out of reach, and my partner taking a vacation day. Someday I’ll catch up.

This past week I completely forgot my chiropractor appointment, and my therapist fell ill and cancelled our session too. Both are two things that I do for me. They keep me sane, they keep me out of pain, physical and emotional, and they didn’t happen.

This past week was seriously negative.

It’s been really hard to shake that vibe. The anxiety level has been high. I’m worried for my friends, I’m frustrated with my financial situation, and hell if I’m not partially impaired myself, walking away from a full bag in the grocery cart when I left the store.

This morning I really just wanted to stay in. Relax, regroup. I needed to not have anything go wrong today. But I had one mission and it had to be done this morning.  My car tags expire next week.  My state requires an emissions test before you can buy the tags, so the challenge was to get to the emissions place 5 miles east of me, get through that line, drive through 10 miles of construction to the DMV that’s open on saturday, and get the tags before they closed at noon.

I got up, showered, dressed, and headed out.  The emissions place gets crowded toward the end of the month, so it was kind of a gamble but I got there and was pleasantly surprised. I was the second car in line in my row. In and out in less than 10 minutes. My car that has 123k miles on it passed the test like a champ.  I keep saying I’m going to drive it until the wheels fall off. The noise that my suspension is making probably should get fixed soon before that happens huh? At least the exhaust system, and engine are solid.

After the emissions place, it was quite the trek to get to the DMV.  I’d heard horror stories from more than one person in the last few weeks about the stretch of road that I had to travel to get there. It’s a road that I don’t have to use often, so I didn’t know what to expect.  Again I was pleasantly surprised. It wasn’t 55 MPH, but it wasn’t slow either. The worst part of it all was the traffic backed up coming OUT of the DMV that I passed going IN to the DMV.  Oh well, gotta do it, right?

Keep going, chugging right on through all the steps to get to the goal of having tags that aren’t expired, realizing that most of the things that could have gone wrong didn’t…

I got to the building, parked fairly close, grabbed my paperwork and got myself inside. It was 11:45. They close at 12 on saturday.  I headed down the long hallway walking rather quickly considering the crowd. I was on a mission dammit.  Then a really tall guy came out of a door immediately to my right, going full speed. COLLISION COURSE!!! He stopped himself, making his own sqweeling break sound effects (!) and didn’t run me down. YAY! I was smiling, so was he. We both slowed down.  I got back to the window where they sell the tags, and one more guy made it in behind me. After him the clerk shut the line down.  WHEW! I’d made it. Victory Dance commenced (in my head)

I walked out with my shiny new tags, back to the car, and put my most patient face on for the 20 car line to get out of the place that was there when I’d arrived.  I got around to the other side of the parking lot where I could see where that line was before, and it was gone.  YAY!  I still had to wait to enter the traffic flow in the construction zone, but after seeing the line that was there before, that had cleared in the five minutes that I’d been inside, suddenly that didn’t seem so bad.

I got home and relayed the whole adventure to Roomie. He was unphased.  He has no idea how much I needed things to be non-stressful today. I was still mentally happy dancing.

After another while, I went back to the store where I’d left my groceries a couple of days ago. I had called when I realized that I didn’t have them, and they took my name and told me to come to the service desk the next time I was there. So I went back today. First I shopped a bit for new things that we needed, and in the process also picked up replacements for the stuff I’d left.  I went to the service desk and the lady that I had spoken to was there. She was so glad that I’d come back. They had listed the items that were in the bag that they found (right where I left it), and then took the items from my full cart that matched their list, bagged them up for me, then wrote “PAID” on the bag and told me that if I had any trouble, to send the cashier over to them.  I didn’t have any trouble.

It’s nice when a store keeps their customers first.  Granted, this is a hippie loving, organic having, healthy people store. Love peace, recycle everything and all that. But that’s how every store should be, right? No hard time, no telling me I was the idiot for leaving a full bag behind, and then happily, eagerly replacing stuff that I’d been completely in the wrong for leaving behind.

YAY  Whole Foods! I need to write them a thank you.  They Rock. They’re always helpful. Not pushy. And their organic stuff might be a little pricey, it usually is in any store, but theirs is FRESH, not wilty, ever, and it’s fun going there and discovering new things every time.  Their website is good too, with lots of recipes and ideas.

What a good day. I needed that break.

Whew.

Here’s hoping tomorrow goes as well.

Namaste

In the last couple of weeks I’ve gone from the standard meat/junk/dairy/American diet, to being about 95% vegan.  The funny thing is I don’t really miss meat.

Two things happen when you give up meat/dairy.

Roomie and I have both noticed how much more energy we have. Along with that, I’m sleeping better too. In nearly 5 years since my hysterectomy I’ve slept better in the last week than I have since the surgery. That’s just the first thing.

The other thing that happens is that you get to play with food. OMG the flavors.  We used to use a lot of meat, cheese, butter, etc for more than half of our calories. When you give that up, you’re forced to learn new ways with food, spices, seasonings, and the natural flavor of whole, organic food.

It’s a fun challenge finding new recipes and things to try that we both like. I am a foodie. I have fun trying new things. Probably 3/4 of what I try doesn’t get a second chance, but at least I tried.  I made chocolate banana bread yesterday that will get many more chances, while I tweak it to get it perfect. We’ve also found a really good burrito recipe (called “Fabulous Burritos”) and roomie’s working on his pickles.

This is a work in progress.  We’ve started with a few things that we know are good, and we are finding other new stuff to try all of the time.

We also try to buy mostly organic ingredients, and no my grocery bill hasn’t gone up, and yes, that shocked me too.  When all that you eat is plant based, it’s important to eat less of the chemicals  that todays modern farming uses. So we’ve gone organic, for better or worse.  Previously, my grocery bill was around $300 a month. When you give up $75 of meat, cheese, butter, and other dairy a month and put an extra $25 or $30 of that toward the more expensive Organic ingredients, it’s actually easier on the budget. Like $50ish easier. Also eliminated: fast food. More savings there.  I’m still broke, but I can pay off a $50 water bill or something else to that effect.  Also, once you learn to listen to your body, and start eating whole grain, whole food, organic stuff, it shocked me how much less we are actually eating. Where a month ago, we’d pile a plate full of chicken, veggies, rice, gravy, etc, now it’s a smaller portion of better quality, more filling, more satisfying stuff.

All in all, it hasn’t been that traumatic. I’m not evangelizing being a fat free vegan yet. It’s not something for everyone, but so far it’s going OK.  I’m having fun with food. I’ve lost a few pounds already, and definitely feeling better. Take that for what its worth. If I can do this, anyone can. You just have to be open to it. I’ve never approached this as “I can’t live without meat and cheese” I’ve always looked at it as a challenge to see what we can do with a whole range of new food. That’s where the fun is.

It’s all about attitude.

And health.

That’s the real reason behind all of this. I’m 45. My aunt is 93, my grandmothers were both in their late 80′s when they died. There are several people of that age group still living well in my family. I’m not going to make it to 65 if I don’t make some changes. My dad dropped over when he was 52. Mom didn’t do much better. She lived longer, but only at a high cost, heart surgery after heart surgery.  Dad was a white collar worker, he got little exercise. He was never fat, but you can be thin and unhealthy too. Mom fed him what she had grown up with as “Healthy food”. It was only healthy because the amount of exercise that my grandparents got counteracted the fatty rich foods that they ate.  Honestly, I’d really prefer that none of what happened to my parents happens to me (other than the being goofy in love part )   Genetics have an influence, but it’s more about lifestyle and how well you treat your body. If cancer wasn’t my wake up call, losing my kidney is scary enough on its own.  I joke that it’s less to go wrong later, but I’m living without the protective hormones, or the spare kidney that most people live take advantage of. It’s less to support me later. If something goes wrong…I don’t even want to think about that…

It only makes sense to start living how I want to live, instead of how I have been, spinning my wheels, slowly sinking deeper into ill health.  If this is what it takes, then I’ll make the best of it, have fun finding and learning new things, and just going with it.

Namaste

I’ve done a round with doctors while I’m off and been declared mostly normal. I have to go for a test to confirm my remaining kidney isn’t in any danger, but that seems like a smart thing to do so I don’t mind.   I have one more oncology appointment in 6 months and then I’m finished with that.  I can’t believe that journey is almost over. It changed my life, my perspective, and just as I have learned to live with it, I’ll learn to readjust my thinking from being “cancer patient” to being “cancer survivor”. It is one of the things that has come up in therapy, and my therapist is continuing to give me feedback that I can work with. Some of it is pretty hard to digest, but I’m working on it.

Minime has been in town all week too.  We have had a lot of fun.  We spent a beautiful day at the zoo. It was very uncrowded, and aside from the humidity, really couldn’t have been better.    After the zoo, we went to Happy Hour at Bahama Breeze and had a few drinks and some half priced appetizers for dinner.  We both paid for all of that the next day. Between the sun, the humidity, the drinks, and the greasy food, I spent most of the day trying to not think about how bad I felt. It was worth it   What a great day.

She and I are so much alike it’s scary sometimes.  We were in the penguin house at the zoo and both of us were disappointed that more of them weren’t out, and at the same time we both looked and said “there’s a lot of them in the hidey holes”. Then we both looked at each other and smiled.

Wednesday we went to a store where they sell fresh spices in bulk. Walking into that place is wonderful when all of the spice scent hits you, and so many things to learn and try.  It’s as sensual as you can get without sex

Thursday we saw my 92 year old aunt. It was nice seeing her. She’s really got so many stories to tell from all of her years of life. She’s also very human about her age. The last of her friends from her younger years died recently, she’s outlived everyone that she knew. That makes her a little sad, but she works at making new, younger friends. Younger being 70′s and 80′s.  She’s always been very healthy, and she’s a little frustrated about little things starting to go wrong, but she’s still got a good attitude, and she just takes it one day at a time.

Also this week, I’ve ordered some new appliances for the kitchen. It’s going to be a tight month, but I’ll have an oven that works and a new dishwasher.   I don’t mind doing dishes too much, but there are times when it’s a chore, and my dishpan hands will be thankful for the relief too.  After not having a working dishwasher for 9 months or so, it will be nice to have one again. Especially with the holidays coming.

My Big Brother’s birthday was the day after mine. That was a little hard. He and I were born 6 years and 364 days apart.  He died six months ago. All of my early birthdays were shared with him. As he got older we had separate parties, but for the most part, the good years of our lives were spent celebrating our birthdays together.  There’s no one left that really understands what he and I were to each other.  This was our first birthday that I spent without knowing he’s out there thinking of me as much as I was of him. I’ve lost all but one of my immediately family and I know what kind of empty feelings come on holidays or other anniversary dates, but this was different. I wouldn’t be able to tell you if it’s because losing him was the most recent, or because we were so close as young ones, or because we both survived the hell that we did and made some kind of peace with it and each other, but damn there’s this big empty hole in me where he should be.  My mother died 19 years ago today too. I miss her but not like I miss my brother.  Maybe it’s just a matter of time, who knows. Right now though words don’t really help.  It’s just a day to get through. Life goes on, so do I. But I’ll pause and remember, and do a little bit of wishing that I know will never come true.

I have 4 more days of vacation. Today is mostly for re-grouping, getting a few things done at home, and tending to the cat. She has cancer and gave me a good scare last weekend. Turns out it was a hairball, and I haven’t groomed her in 2+ months, so she’s in the process of getting a haircut.  Minime is running a race Sunday and I’ll go watch that. Also BFF needs to get out, so I’ll kidnap her to the arboretum and we’ll have a few laughs. The week is winding down though.  It’s been a weird mix of awesome and drudgery. I’ll remember the awesome though   I’m glad Minime came in for the week. I needed that.

I am 45 now.  My aunt is 92, I’m halfway there, right?    Roomie has done a bunch of research, and it wouldn’t hurt either of us to change our ways to be a little healthier, so in the next few days/weeks we’ll be shifting to a vegan way of life.  It can’t hurt right?  It seems like a better journey for the next few years than the one that started when I was 40 and diagnosed with cancer a few months later.  We’ll see how it goes.

Namaste.

I remember thinking when I was 16 that I had spent 1/2 of my life without a father. If you do the math now, it’s more like 9/11ths.  It boggles me that I learned so much from a man that was only in my life for 2/11ths of my entire existence so far.

For mom the number is smaller. about 4/9ths of my life have been spent without her.  She died when I was 25. I’m still learning her lessons. Some of them better, some of them worse.

My brother died two and a half months ago, so I had him for 43.9/44ths of my life. That’s a much better fraction if you don’t count that we didn’t see each other for 12 years, then it turns into 3/11ths of my life that I was missing him, and 3 months where it’s just a big empty hole in my heart where that little piece of me knew that the world was right because I had a big brother that would defend me to the end.  God I miss him.  But his fraction will grow smaller in time too. Hopefully the hole in my heart will too.

I was married for 3/11ths of my life.  To the wrong man. Thankfully that number will get smaller as time goes on. I gave him too much of my life.  I don’t miss him, but I do miss having that kind of intimacy with someone.  Maybe someday that will come into my life again, but for now it’s not there.

There are good fractions. I’ve been a mom for nearly 7/11ths of my life. That is by far the most important thing I’ve ever done. My daughter came into this world with the odds stacked against her, but we got through it somehow and she makes me prouder every day. Being a parent is the most humbling experience I’ve ever been through. From the beginning, when I understood the great gift that the baby growing in me was, to the middle when that life that came through me stretched her wings and tried to fly so many times, to the present time, when she’s really coming into her own full adulthood. Every step along the way has been amazing with her, and I’m so thankful to have been given that gift.

My best friend has been there for all but about 3.5/11ths. For those of you that aren’t good with fractions, we’ll be celebrating our 30th anniversary in the fall.  Wow what a wild and mostly wonderful ride that’s been. She’s in a place in her life where she’s just learning to fly again too. I’m so proud of how she’s handled some really hard situations. We still laugh together. We still cry together. I believe that we have many soul mates in our lives, but she’s definitely been one of mine for the majority of my time here on this planet.  I can live without a man in my life, but I don’t know what I’d do if there were ever a time when I couldn’t call her when I needed to talk.

Roomie’s been around for about 1/9th of my life. In that 1/9th of my life, I’ve been divorced, had 3 surgeries, my girl graduated college, one of my cats died, and also my brother.  That’s a lot of things that he’s seen me through. He continues to support me in so many ways. I am grateful.

I’ve worked at the same job for 3/7ths of my life. Going on 18 years there, at a high tech company, that’s a miracle that’s rarely heard of in this day and age.

I’ve been driving the same car for 1/5 of my life. It’s as raggedy as I am these days, but it’s reliable, and when I retire it in the fall, it will be with mixed feelings.

I’ve lived in the same house  for 1/4 of my life, and before that the house that I grew up in for 3/5 of my life. There were only a couple of apartments in between those, so I’m blessed that my life has been as stable as it has been.

Those are just some of the fractions that I think about. I don’t know why but it interests me to look at my life that way sometimes.

Namaste

I made this today. Except I used organic whole wheat flour, organic bananas, and a little milk instead of the sour cream. It was Better Than Mom’s, even without the chocolate chips.  You really don’t need the honey butter, which is good because I didn’t make it,  The bread just happened to come out of the oven right before dinner, so dinner was way too much banana bread and some of the home made chicken/veggie salad that roomie  made earlier.  Belly is happy.

In other news… I think I’ve figured out my financial mess enough to say that if the plan flies, I will be debt free in a couple of years. After the past few months of just barely making it to the bank finally breaking this month and having to borrow the electric bill money, there is light at the end of that tunnel. I really hope the plan flies. I’ll know next week. Maybe the Lunar new year will bring me a little luck

We are slowly becoming raw dieters at home. There are a few necessities that we’ve been gathering over the last couple of months, the grocery budget has been restricted by the need to not be homeless or cold, so that’s been a little slow. We have been eating better, fresher, healthier when the budget allows, and soon it will allow a little better. I have discovered a few things already.

• Organic beef gives me a stomach ache faster than regular beef. I think giving up beef won’t be difficult at all.
• You can flavor a bowl of chopped up raw veggies with nearly any dressing and it’s yummy.
• Eating this way has killed 95% of my cravings. That is kind of amazing.
• Cats don’t beg much when they don’t smell meat cooking first.

So life goes on at Casa Grania. Tomorrow I’ll be helping my best friend move. She’s got a whole new life ahead of her and I’m really proud of how she’s been handling some really tough things. She is who I haven’t been writing about, and I’ll continue that, except to highlight the good things. We haven’t been walking lately, more out of midwinter in the midwest necessity, but we have been getting together almost weekly and talking through the messier things. I’ve been helping with what guidance I can give, and offering a shoulder when there’s nothing else to do but be quiet together and know that life will get better even if right now sucks royally.  We’re a pair, the two of us. When life goes bad, it goes really bad, but the pay off happens when we hit the other end of that scale and life is good. We are both very blessed, and very focused on that, and the more you give something your full attention, the more it propagates itself. It’s working, things are getting better.

Oh.. yesterday, Minime was in town.  She took me to lunch at the mall where the Apple store is (because my power cord went bad, they replaced it) and then after lunch we ran around to a few stores and she spoiled me rotten. I got lotions (75% off!), and 2 bath bombs that I love, and a few lego keychains to complete the set, and a couple of hugs, all from her.  Awesome!  We usually get little trinkets for each other on holidays, but I’ve been seriously broke, so Christmas was lean and I haven’t even thought about any of the upcoming ones. She really had fun making me happy too. She handed me the lotions and said “Happy Valentines Day” and then the legos were for St Nicks, etc. She rocks. We have all of these seemingly silly traditions like little gifts for little holidays, and she’s carrying them on. That makes me happy too.

Today she got a new (used) car that is pretty cool. The timing’s a bit strange for a new car, but things will work out. She got a deal, and a friend bought her old car, so the situation kind of just happened and they jumped at it. Her husband is very close to a new job (as in through several phone interviews, checked his references, and now they’re flying him down there to meet him), and then it’s all good.  I’ll stop worrying when he signs on there.

OK BFF, I blogged. Now what??