Embracing the change that has become the norm in my life, there is no turkey on our table today.

I’m surprisingly OK with it.

I thought a couple of months ago, when I started down this vegetarian road, that missing The Turkey would make me bitter and resentful.  Here’s the thing though. Every time I’ve tried my old diet for a meal or two it’s made a considerably negative difference in how I feel.

I think that’s the thing that surprised me the most.  I feel better, all of the time. Feeling better sort of creeped up on me because it’s a very NORMAL feeling. It’s not something you notice. I feel good. I haven’t felt good in years. I almost always felt draggy, tired, and blah before. I only notice it when I don’t feel good now.

I thought because I’d been through so much surgery and recovery, that I’d just become weak and blah.  That’s not what explains it though.  I can reproduce that feeling just by having a bowl of orange chicken with greasy lo mein like I did yesterday.

BLAH <– how i felt for hours after that.

I don’t miss turkey today because I had that reminder yesterday of what that kind of diet does to me.

That overstuffed, catatonic, post turkey dinner feeling?  Not gonna happen.

This “new” way of eating NEVER leaves you feeling overfull. On the flipside of that, I have rarely been hungry. So this eating thing?  It’s not a Diet.  I eat as much as I want until I feel satisfied. That’s something that’s new too. Being satisfied.  Even more suprising: being satisfied on 1/2 of the amount of food that I used to eat and was rarely satisfied. I don’t count calories. I don’t measure anything except to follow a recipe. What goes on my plate is my estimation of how much I’ll need to feel nourished and well. I still overestimate that quite a bit.  Being so satisfied that I reject more of what made me feel that way, being so satisfied that I don’t WANT to finish what’s on my plate is a brand new thing for me.  Walking away from More, in exchange for Enough that I’m Fully Satisfied, is astonishing to me.

It’s all about quality.

Let me repeat that because it shocked the hell out of me:

Being satisfied is ?DIRECTLY CORRELATED with the quality of the food that I eat.  For example. A breakfast of whole grain cereal (Grape nuts, or oatmeal), almond milk, and a banana will hold me for 4-5 hours, where a breakfast of sugary processed cereal with skim milk and maybe even a toasted bagel left me hungry an hour or two later. Dinner last night was some amazing burritos. Whole grain tortillas, two kinds of beans, salsa, chiles, onions, and spices, SO GOOD!  Our dinners previous to this change weren’t “unhealthy”. They were usually some kind of meat and veg, rice or potatoes, and Roomie has a thing for gravy, he is a southern boy at heart, so there was gravy and butter. The thought of that now makes me want to nap. Because that’s what it did to me. I thought that was NORMAL.

That processed food, the sugared cereal, the frozen box lunches, etc. also triggered so many cravings.  After I ate it, I’d just keep eating because it’s what my body screamed for.  Those cravings are mostly shut down now.  It’s been a huge learning process, and sure I still mostly enjoy a bag of processed chip crap as much as the next guy, but I know the price that I pay for it now, so more and more often, I’m choosing not to do that to myself.  Thank my therapist, KYB,  for illuminating that last little point for me.

It’s about choices.

I like feeling good, I notice it now when I don’t feel good. I didn’t notice it when it was the norm to not feel good. I’m choosing to feel good.  Consciously. Deliberately. More often than not.

I’m still not 100% there. I’m still working on some really hard things within. Therapy is helping, but it’s not overnight. I’ve come a good part of the way toward a healthier outlook, but there are still things that I beat myself up about, and for me the beatings include food. That’s pretty much the definition of an eating disorder.  It’s funny how something that brings so much (false) comfort can also bestow (improperly self imposed) punishment too.  Another unexpected consequence of shifting my diet is that the emotional part of eating really, truly, wholeheartedly demonstrates it’s negative consequences much more clearly now.  I know clearly when I’m doing myself in. Those times are less and less, but there’s a little shellshocked girl in me that still likes to try and validate her scared little girl feelings.  She’s growing up, a little at a time. We’re slowly learning to work together a little bit too.  It’s a hard road to travel, but I can already see the value in it, so I’ll keep working.

Our meal today will be wonderful.  I’m making roasted veggie lasagna.  It’s a grand experiment, but really, you can do just about anything with (whole grain) noodles and (organic vegetable) sauce and it will be good, so I’m not worried.  Also, because I love stuffing, I’m making cornbread and poblano stuffing and veggie gravy to go over it.  We’ll also have some green beans and potatoes with garlic, some cranberry sauce, and Roomie’s making a peach cobbler for dessert. I might bake and apple or two too.  Not a bad meal.  And, one custom that’s traditional to Thanksgiving: I’m sure there will be enough leftovers so that neither of us will have to cook for the rest of the weekend

I’m off to the kitchen.

Be thankful today.  For life, for health, for loved ones, and so many other things.  Appreciate what you have. Start from where you are, right now, in this moment, and be truly thankful.

Namaste

In the last couple of weeks I’ve gone from the standard meat/junk/dairy/American diet, to being about 95% vegan.  The funny thing is I don’t really miss meat.

Two things happen when you give up meat/dairy.

Roomie and I have both noticed how much more energy we have. Along with that, I’m sleeping better too. In nearly 5 years since my hysterectomy I’ve slept better in the last week than I have since the surgery. That’s just the first thing.

The other thing that happens is that you get to play with food. OMG the flavors.  We used to use a lot of meat, cheese, butter, etc for more than half of our calories. When you give that up, you’re forced to learn new ways with food, spices, seasonings, and the natural flavor of whole, organic food.

It’s a fun challenge finding new recipes and things to try that we both like. I am a foodie. I have fun trying new things. Probably 3/4 of what I try doesn’t get a second chance, but at least I tried.  I made chocolate banana bread yesterday that will get many more chances, while I tweak it to get it perfect. We’ve also found a really good burrito recipe (called “Fabulous Burritos”) and roomie’s working on his pickles.

This is a work in progress.  We’ve started with a few things that we know are good, and we are finding other new stuff to try all of the time.

We also try to buy mostly organic ingredients, and no my grocery bill hasn’t gone up, and yes, that shocked me too.  When all that you eat is plant based, it’s important to eat less of the chemicals  that todays modern farming uses. So we’ve gone organic, for better or worse.  Previously, my grocery bill was around $300 a month. When you give up $75 of meat, cheese, butter, and other dairy a month and put an extra $25 or $30 of that toward the more expensive Organic ingredients, it’s actually easier on the budget. Like $50ish easier. Also eliminated: fast food. More savings there.  I’m still broke, but I can pay off a $50 water bill or something else to that effect.  Also, once you learn to listen to your body, and start eating whole grain, whole food, organic stuff, it shocked me how much less we are actually eating. Where a month ago, we’d pile a plate full of chicken, veggies, rice, gravy, etc, now it’s a smaller portion of better quality, more filling, more satisfying stuff.

All in all, it hasn’t been that traumatic. I’m not evangelizing being a fat free vegan yet. It’s not something for everyone, but so far it’s going OK.  I’m having fun with food. I’ve lost a few pounds already, and definitely feeling better. Take that for what its worth. If I can do this, anyone can. You just have to be open to it. I’ve never approached this as “I can’t live without meat and cheese” I’ve always looked at it as a challenge to see what we can do with a whole range of new food. That’s where the fun is.

It’s all about attitude.

And health.

That’s the real reason behind all of this. I’m 45. My aunt is 93, my grandmothers were both in their late 80′s when they died. There are several people of that age group still living well in my family. I’m not going to make it to 65 if I don’t make some changes. My dad dropped over when he was 52. Mom didn’t do much better. She lived longer, but only at a high cost, heart surgery after heart surgery.  Dad was a white collar worker, he got little exercise. He was never fat, but you can be thin and unhealthy too. Mom fed him what she had grown up with as “Healthy food”. It was only healthy because the amount of exercise that my grandparents got counteracted the fatty rich foods that they ate.  Honestly, I’d really prefer that none of what happened to my parents happens to me (other than the being goofy in love part )   Genetics have an influence, but it’s more about lifestyle and how well you treat your body. If cancer wasn’t my wake up call, losing my kidney is scary enough on its own.  I joke that it’s less to go wrong later, but I’m living without the protective hormones, or the spare kidney that most people live take advantage of. It’s less to support me later. If something goes wrong…I don’t even want to think about that…

It only makes sense to start living how I want to live, instead of how I have been, spinning my wheels, slowly sinking deeper into ill health.  If this is what it takes, then I’ll make the best of it, have fun finding and learning new things, and just going with it.

Namaste

I was his second patient that morning. 8:15 AM.  I got there and said hello to let him know I was there. He told me he’d be just a moment and I sat down in the waiting area.  He finished what he was doing and he said OK Dear, please come sit in my chair. He had his usual smile and I couldn’t resist a comment. I told him that I like him. He’s always smiling, always happy, always singing. Nothing bothers him.

He got all serious for a minute, still smiling of course.  He stopped what he was doing and told me a story in his wonderful Indian accent, about his mother back in India. “She used to tell me that everything costs something. Food costs money, houses cost money, clothes cost, even frowns have a cost. But, she said, there is one thing that is free! And that excited him. What could be free? She made him guess and guess, and guess, and he couldn’t think of it. So finally she told him. It costs nothing to smile.  Smiles are free. No matter what else costs, they are free, and they make people feel better.”  He never forgot that lesson.

We went on with the task at hand. He got his needle gear all together. Three tubes, the butterfly needle and the thing it is attached to. I have one vein on the surface and that’s the one that everyone tries for. It usually rolls out of the way, but never for him.

I commented on that too, he never misses. I’m not easy to draw blood from, others have had trouble. He said that God tells him where to go with the needle, he just listens.  I smiled. He has learned to trust that little voice that we all have but most of us ignore.I like this guy more and more.

The conversation went on.  I asked him if he had any vacation plans for the summer, and he shook his head and said “no, no money for vacation this year” and changed the tube that was on the other end of the needle in my arm. Still smiling. Humming his tune. I told him that I know how he feels, I’m broke too. It’s OK to be broke. Things are tight for everyone and yet we go on and learn how to enjoy life anyway.

Then a nurse came in and asked him a lab question. He helped her, with a smile of course, and changed the tube that was attached to my arm again. She left with her answer, smiling.

Then we were done and I wished him a good day. He wished me the same, with a smile.

I left smiling. Not only are they free, they’re contagious.  That’s awesome.

Smile

In case you hadn’t noticed, I’m kind of taking a break from writing. There are some things going on around me that need some TLC and not to be written about, so I’m taking a break. Life is good at Casa Grania, no worries here. The holidays were excellent too.  Thanks for askin’.

Pretty much my only resolution this year was to try 100 new fruits.  It will probably take longer than a year to do that but that’s OK. I don’t really do resolutions, so we’ll just call it a goal and go with it.  The starfruit that I started with was pretty good. Kind of unusual and citrusy, but not a stringy mess like oranges can be. I don’t eat oranges because I can’t handle the texture. Starfruit are OK texture wise but the taste was a bit tart.  I ended up eating 2 slices of it and then throwing the rest into my morning smoothie. It worked well in there.  I think kumquats are next. I’m curious about them, and whole foods has them, so I’ll get a couple and see the next time I go there.

In the news here, Roomie and I are transitioning ourselves to a new diet. There’s a definite learning curve to this, and some equipment to get, but we both think it’s the right way to be healthy.  We are learning how to prepare and eat raw food (not meat, it’s cooked, but we’re eating much less of it).  I don’t know if we’ll go totally vegan or keep a little high quality meat around, but it’s been fun learning to do nutrition this way.  I’m investigating a couple of places around here that sell organic produce by the box for $25 a week, and also there’s a place to get grass fed meat for relatively inexpensive prices compared to the health food stores around here that carry it.  The more I study about this kind of food, the more I’m convinced that it will go a long way toward improving my health and well being.

All of it is pretty cool, and the best part is that I have a man in my life that’s leading me to be healthy and happy instead of dragging me down. That in itself blows me away, but it is also how it should be. We’re here to make each other better people, not to get sucked down into each other’s misery. Right?

In other news, my friend James finally sucked me into playing Warcraft.  It helped that Minime had a free year’s subscription that she offloaded to me. I’ve missed serious gaming almost as much as I’ve missed making music, so it’s a good way for me to re-engage for a few hours a week and get that out of my system. That’s taken the place of writing for now.  Don’t worry, I’ll have plenty to write about in a couple of months, but my priorities right now include protecting my friend, so rather than risk it, I’ll just go kill goblins and orks and stuff

Now I just have to get my piano moved upstairs…

That’s it for now

Namaste

Yesterday I had my annual optometrist visit.  This is the second time I’ve seen this guy and he continues to impress me in a big way.  My last optometrist was horrible. After going back twice to get a prescription fixed, I asked around among my friends last year to see if I could find a better doc.  Dr B is an old fashioned eye doc in modern day dress. He’s only a few years older than me, but he does his job consciously and consciensciously. He loves what he does, and it shows.  I turned down the retina photograph this year because I’m really broke and my insurance doesn’t cover it.  Both he and his aide that did the initial testing on me told me that if he felt that it was necessary, they often comp the retinal image.  He did the vision exam and then looked into my eyes the old fashioned way, with a light and his eyes. No machines, just real doctorin’.  Then, since I was the last patient, he came out and helped me find glasses, and while I was working with the tech, he put back all of the frames that we had chosen and then eliminated.  When I asked about my sunglasses that I got somewhere else, he asked me to go get them, and he fixed them for me.  Apparently my astigmatism is bad enough that I can’t wear frames that wrap around my face. The RayBans that I have are definitely curved. He took them in back, checked the prescription, and uncurved them a little bit, They are so much better now. No Charge.  I walked out of there only paying my $10 copay and with them ordering the two frames that we narrowed down to in a different size that will fit me better.  They spent a good hour+ with me, and addressed every concern that I had.  I’ll go back in a few days when the frames that they ordered come in and pick one to make into my new glasses.

Dr B is also an activist. The whole conversation between exam questions was about who pays for terrorist weapons (many are Made in the USA) and how he does house calls to shut ins that would benefit tremendously if a little of that money that’s going to further warfare went to further welfare instead.  He’s passionate, involved, and as a bonus, really good at his job.  It’s sad how rarely I find someone like him. It gave me such a charge to spend time with someone like that.  He’s one of the good guys.

Tomorrow my BFF will hopefully get a diagnosis that she can work with to regain her health.  I know she reads this.  I’ll be thinking about you all day, please call me when you have any answers. xo

This coming weekend is a significant party. My sort of Aunt and Uncle (we’re only related by marriage) are celebrating their 60th anniversary.  This is the couple that I’ve spent every Christmas Day with since I was a teenager or earlier.  They are truly special people. Minime and her man are coming in. Lots of cousins are descending from the four corners of the planet. Everyone’s chipping in their bit of food, and there will be laughter and dancing and good times.  The happy couple are in their early 80′s now,  slowing down, but nothing makes them happier than to be surrounded by loved ones, whatever the occasion.  I have nothing but fondness and respect for them. It will be fun to see everyone too.

I also re-started my healthy living plan again.  Last weekend I walked a couple of miles, and I’ve been eating better. There’s still a ways to go before I’m back to where I was, but until I get paid, I have to eat the food that I have.  I make decent choices most of the time. It will get better as time goes on.  I don’t think I’ll lose another 50 pounds before Christmas, but maybe 25 or 30 is possible.  I’ll just take that a day at a time and do my best with the exercising and decision making.

That’s all anyone can do right?

Namaste

2. I tried to wear jeans yesterday. This weekend I’ll be washing a few skirts so that I can avoid pants for a couple more weeks. My belly is just too tender for anything pressing on it. The jeans aren’t even tight, and I took them off after about 45 min, but I hurt all day because of them.

3. I have a new mobile phone. I dropped my AT&T service because I refuse to pay that much for a service that drops every other call, so my iPhone is now an iPod touch, and my new phone is a Droid Incredible.  It’s pretty slick.  I also have a new policy of not buying any apps. The free ones are fine, and abundant. I left more than $100 of apps on my iphone, and the most expensive one doesn’t even work now that I don’t have cell service to it anymore. Lesson learned. Also Verizon service is about $15 cheaper per month, and they have better coverage when I travel.  I’ve been slowly gettingthe new phone set up. Yesterday I got all of my e-mail accounts onto it. The Droid OS handles mail differently than the Apple OS, so I have to figure that out too. The last things that I have to do is figure out how it handles pictures and music files. Once that’s done, I’m all set to go.  I’m glad I got the phone while I have time to learn my way around it.

4. I’m doing a little financial clean up and slimming down my electronics diet.  All the services that I’m paying for are adding up and I’ve been pretty strapped lately.  I have a friend that is buying my satelite radio, so I can cancel that subscription and put the money toward paying down a credit card.  I’m reducing my cable package too, but I have to decide which way to go with that. If I drop down to the next lower package, I save $15 a month and only lose about 3 channels that I watch consistently, and the movie channels.  The next package lower than that would save me $30 a month, but then I’d lose nearly all the channels that Roomie and I both watch. If I do the first, and only go down one package, I’ll also kill my Netflix subscription, so I save $24 a month total.  If I kill it down to just the basic “family” package, I lose most of the stations that I watch, so I’d keep Netflix because I can stream it on my Wii to my TV but the savings by doing it that way is only $21 a month, but I get any movies that I want to see for that $3 difference.   Decisions decisions.

Between doing all of that and switching from AT&T to Verizon, I cut my bills by more than $50 a month with really not a lot of pain.  All that I’m really still paying for on an ongoing basis that I don’t consider a “required for living” bill is my web hosting, it’s less than $10 a month and I’ll keep that going.  I am going to change it from going on a credit card, to coming out of my bank account though. The bigger picture here is to stop bleeding financially, pay off the credit cards for the last time, and live on a cash basis.   I’m also going to sell a few things too. I have a bunch of old video games, and the only one I every use is my Wii. They can all go to Gamestop. I might get $50 out of them. I also don’t really need the iPhone anymore once my new phone is set up to play music, so I have another friend that will buy that.  All the little things add up and I’ll have a couple hundred $$ to throw at medical bills next month, so good for me for getting that stuff out of the way that much quicker.

5. I still have plenty of toys.  There becomes a point where living with the excess is just pointless and expensive. It’s a bad habit that I got from my ex. That is what #4 is all about. That stuff doesn’t add enough quality to my life to justify the cost.  I’m really just simplifying things, like I’ve been doing for months now.   I think that tomorrow’s project will be to clean another bag of crap out of my junk room. I haven’t done one of those in a while.  In a few weeks I’ll be able to use my elliptical agian too. It has been stored in there for months because my kidney couldn’t handle the strain. Now that the kidney is gone, my heart will appreciate the aerobics, and I’ll be back to my favorite machine.  Yay!

6.   I’ve been doing my monthly cat grooming this week. My female Maine Coon has IBS, so her getting hairballs causes issues. I keep her fur trimmed to short fur length and then she doesn’t get hairballs, but it’s a pain, and it takes a few hours over 3 or 4 days before she’s completely groomed. I think she likes her coat shorter like I keep it. It’s much easier for her to clean. Boy does it make a mess though. 

7. Five days until I return to working.  I’ll be thankful to have something that’s not mind numbing to do with my brain all day again, but I’m a little worried about my physical condition and state of recuperation. I have a new laptop from the office to work on from now on, and I have it at home to give it a test run for a week before I go back into the office. We’ll see how I do, starting next wednesday.  

That’s it for now.
Namaste

The surgery was successful. My kidney will no longer kill me. YAY!  The hernia repairs are pretty harsh. They’ll heal eventually though.  I’ve been home for 2 days now. The pain that I expected is about 1/4 of what I have. It hurts a lot more than I was prepared for, but that means it’s healing. I’m trying my best to balance taking it easy with moving around enough to keep things like blood clots from forming. 

I was under anaesthetic for about 3 hours longer than we planned, so that says something about how complex things got. My doctors got what needed to be done all finished though, so now, for the first time in 4 years, I don’t have any impending surgeries looming. I’m done, finished, through that chapter in my life. YAY! YAY! YAY!  My only job for the next few weeks is to heal, get healthy, and keep losing weight and gaining strength.

I don’t know if it’s the anaesthetic or the narcotics, but the crazy random thoughts that I’ve been having are kind of interesting.  This morning I woke up wishing I could go play at the robot park that I used to play at when I was little.  That park has been gone for 20 years, but I used to love climbing that robot, and the slides were the best at any park around.  This was before the days of wood and plastic park equipment, Robot was 100% steel, rivited, welded, and bolted together.  I couldn’t find a pic of the one at my park on line but this one is similar. The one at my park was probably 1/3 taller and double the floor space on each level. .  I don’t know why I loved that thing so much, it was pretty much a vertical kid cage. Parents loved it because we couldn’t fall off of it. Mom let me ride my bike there, which was a big deal because it was on the other side of a busy expressway entrance, so I felt really independent and responsible when I went by myself. 

There have been other flashes of memories like that, mostly happy times and places that I loved.

I think part of it is just the vast relief that this is all over. 

The rest of it is probably the vicodin, but hey, I might as well enjoy it, right?

I’m gearing up for major surgery in less than 2 weeks. Going through all of the pre-surgical appointments, getting all the forms filled out, planning what needs to be done to get the house ready, the roommate ready, the bills paid, the important paperwork updated, and keeping the hand sanitizer close by. If I get sick now it will be post-poned, and that would suck.

One slight complication is that I hurt my knee a few weeks ago and it isn’t getting better. My chiropractor has been putting the TENS machine on it twice a week, and today he told me that if I weren’t having surgery, he’d be sending me for an MRI. The ACL or Meniscus or something is probably torn. If it was just muscular it would be getting better. I’ve got more important things going on, so  I’ll deal with that later. Being off of it for a week or two should help, so we’ll see how that goes.

and…Just because I don’t have enough going on right now, I also learned that the fees for my cell phone were going up, so if I wanted to bail on the contract and go back to my old company, who has better equipment for 20% less of a monthly bill, I had to do it before the end of the month. That became a bit of a hassle, but I got it straightened out in time.  Unfortunately, the phone that I want is backordered for a couple of weeks, so I had to go back to my old, not smart phone. I’m now going through app withdrawal   This wasn’t the best timing to do that. I have to carry both phones still, my iPhone still operates as an iPod touch, and it’s the one that I get my work e-mail on. The new smartphone should arrive when I’m home recovering, and that’s fine.  I have enough technology to get me through, and it will give me something new to play with about the time I’m getting bored to tears from laying around.

So, for the holiday weekend, I’m taking the cats to the vet, shopping for mulch so we can finish the flower beds that we’ve started, cleaning the house, organizing my office, finishing painting the garden boxes that Roomie made for me and then planting them, spending some time with my best friend at the arboretum, moving a couple of pieces of furniture, laundry, cooking, and one of these days I have to let my extended family know what’s going on.

I’ve got three days to get that all done, so I’m not too worried. As long as I don’t do a lot of stairs, I’ll be fine.

Roomie came through today in a big way too. I tried to mow the lawn a couple of weeks ago and paid for it with my knee. It was a week before it was back to only hurting when I straightened it. Today I came home and the lawn was mowed.  He found a neighbor kid to do it for a reasonable amount. The kid also cleans gutters, trims trees, and probably any other assorted odd job that needs doing around here.  That’s a huge worry that’s off my plate. I’m very thankful that he’s here to take care of those kinds of things for me.  Now I can devote the small amount of energy that I have to spend on the yard making it prettier and not just maintaining it. That is very cool.

Side note to my real life friends: my cancer blog has been revived and the details of the new medical stuff are there. Let me know if you need the link. 

Namaste

I planned a few weeks ago that I’d only spend a small portion of my bonus. The rest goes to the house, bills, and savings.

Today I bought:

• a new purse- I’m a one purse kind of girl, and the one that I’ve been using is 2 years old. 
• one last pair of shoes (flats)  to go with the other 2 pairs (walkers and I don’t know what they’re called but they are kind of like a moc but with a small heel that I can wear to work)  that I got last week. This was my first purchase ever from Zappos.com and I’m seriously impressed with their site. Totally easy to use, they take PayPal! and they’re cheaper than the place where I got the other 2 pairs. I have really wide feet. Tomorrow’s first task is to toss all of the Payless shoes that I shouldn’t have bought in the first place but coudln’t afford shoes that are actually constructed for my feet. YAY!
• a small storage unit for my office, because my desk is big and gorgeous and useless. Two little drawers and a PC cabinet don’t cut it so now I’ll have a cabinet and 3 more drawers and I can organize properly in there. And it will double as a printer stand so I get that part of my desk back.

That was all from the fun money portion of my bonus

My last “extravigant” purchases will be some photo software so I can venture into the land of HDR, as decent of a tripod as I can get for less than $50, and a HDR book by one of the coolest photogs I’ve ever stumbled accross. Seriously, stroll through his portfolio  and be impressed.   I have to learn how to do that. His work is seriously beautiful.  On a side note, I used to be a purist when it comes to photography. I thought that digital manipulation was for people that couldn’t get those images themselves, so they created them. Now that digital photography has evolved so much and become it’s own art form, I don’t have a problem with it. I want to play with it and see what I can come up with myself. I have a good friend that also has his work on SmugMug.com.  I think that once I get into it, I’ll set up my own place there and see what happens.

I also got:

• Furnace filters
• Water filters for my fridge
• a gardening tool that we’ve been looking for that I stumbled across at Target
• and a few extra things at Costco (thanks to minime’s mom’s day present of a membership there) along with generally stocking up on healthy food to continue down my road to wellness.
• an appointment to take the cats to the vet in a couple of weeks.

Those were from the responsible portion of my bonus.

Today I’ve also successfully talked myself out of buying a $300 netbook, $300 CS5, a really nice $400 lens, and a couple other multi hundred dollar things that I don’t really need.  Go Me! I got it back under control with each of those conversations with myself.

I  openly admit that now that I’ve given up emotional eating, I really have to keep myself in check with the emotional spending.   The feelings that I buried with food also like to be buried by the short term thrill that being spendy gives me. So, I got a little spendy for a few hours, and now that’s done.  Time to be a grown up again.  I’ve contributed enough to my photography hobby to be happy with it  for a while.

The weird part is that I’ve been struggling with the eating all week because we had our national sales meeting. I did my best to make good choices, but I also had a couple of drinks, and a couple of small desserts that I could have skipped.  I decided going into this, that this lifestyle that I’ve adopted isn’t one of deprivation. It’s very much one of joy, and self love, so I won’t beat myself up over a couple of drinks, just acknowledge that I had them and it’s only every 6 months that I even have occasion or desire to do that.   Desserts are a little more difficult, but I have a treat of some sort every day, and for the most part, between that and keeping my regular food as non-boring, flavorful, and enjoyable as possible, I really, honestly, haven’t felt deprived.  After a week of not being in full control though, the eating and the being spendy was beckoning me.  I think I’ve got both out of my system for now though.

Yay!

I hit the 40 pound gone mark before the sales meeting too.  Yay! 

Oh, and I carried all that stuff into the house, along with groceries, 4 cases of cat food, and 70 pounds of cat litter.  Seven trips up and down stairs, carrying significantly heavy stuff.  Can I tell you how good it feels to be able to do that, then not have to sit down before I put everything away.  My life is so much better now than it was a few months ago.

Yay!

My best friend and I have been spending Sunday mornings at the arboretum. They have miles of trails there to explore.  Last weekend the bluebells were blooming, and the plum trees, and lots of other things. It is an arboretum, after all.   I took BFF on the two trails that I hike every time I go.  It’s really amazing to see things that were in bloom one week be totally gone and the next thing blooming.  The meadow that was barren, in the span of a week, is green and almost hidden by the bushes that were bare twigs a week ago, that are in there full flowery goodness now.  If the rain holds off, we’ll go again tomorrow. I have another path picked out. One that we can discover together. I’ve never been down it before.  We go early in the morning, when the birds are chirping, and the forest mammals are still around.  It’s very pretty, and very life affirming. 

I got a new hair cut last week. I also had it highlighted, which I do every few months. I said “a little lighter” so now instead of a reddish light brown, I’m basically blonde with some strawberry and brown streaks. It’s taken a few days to get used to, but I’m starting to like it.  I have bangs again, which I mostly comb back, but I think I need a little short hair to add some body and movement.  I’ve spent a few years growing out the last bangs that I had because I was tired of them, but I think I’m resolved to them now. They style well, and half the people at work said that between the cut and the color, I look about 10 years younger. Gotta love that.

I’ve also lost 34 pounds now, so that might have something to do with looking younger.  I was looking in the mirror the other day, and I can see the weight loss in my face. I can also see the same sag around the chin that my mom had, except I’m 20 years younger than when I remember it on her.  I hit menopause 14 years before her too though, so that probably has something to do with it too.  I’ll go see a dermatologist soon. My skin doesn’t like menopause. My face has never been this dry.  I’m not big on plastic surgery, but after I lose 34 pounds a couple more times, if my face sags like I know my belly will, I’m not opposed to getting my chin tucked back up to where it should be.  I don’t mind the lines that I’m developing, but just once in my life I’d like something to not sag.

My project for the rest of the afternoon is closet shopping    I have 2 closets full of clothes in various sizes.  I’ve now lost at least one pants size and my shirts are getting a little loose too, so it’s time to re-evaluate the wardrobe, and pull out some things that I haven’t worn in a couple of years.   The fun part is that it’s spring, so I can wear skirts that will fit forever.  Most of my skirts are the long flowy peasant (minime would call them hippie skirts) kind with drawstring waists, so they adjust to smaller waists easily.  Elastic can also be tightened pretty easily too, so while it’s warm and I’m on a downward size trend, maybe I can get through a couple of pants sizes during the summer so the interim wardrobe won’t cost so much.  I have 2 more smaller sizes of jeans to get through before I ‘m out of jeans, but the office clothes are expensive, so I’ll do what I can with what I have and buy some warmer clothes that fit in the fall.  

I had a nice dream last night. Usually my dreams are dark, and somewhat weird. This one was full of light and love, and abundance.  I had won the lottery, a HUGE jackpot, and after all of our debt was gone and the house paid for, and new cars for roomie and I were bought, I went around and made a lot of people’s lives much easier.  It was so much fun, and very vivid and real.  I might be so bold as to say now that my life is getting on track, I’m feeling better, taking better care of myself, and my dreams are reflecting it.   The laws of the universe are funny things.  Hopefully I’m attracting that kind of abundance in my dreams, and that will help me out in real life. I don’t know. It’s a nice thought though, to be able to help all the people out that I did in that dream.

For now, I’ll keep taking care of myself and thinking good thoughts.  Something good is bound to happen.

Namaste