Anyway, I was reading this blog that is written by a mother of 4 children, the two youngest are infant twins.  She led a full life before children and consciously decided to switch gears and be a parent. She is devoted to her kids, and that’s very noble.  Last week she wrote a really touching piece about how she’s mostly done with her own first times, but now is living through her children, enjoying their first times.  Things like first time on a tire swing, or first time in a swimming pool.  Their joy is her joy, they are her everything.

I’m at a stage in my life where I’ve raised my child, she’s out in the world making me proud. My first times with her are mostly past. I haven’t given up at my first times though. Wow, I thought, after I read that mommy blogger. Someone needs to tell her that there’s life after children, and please don’t live vicariously through them.  Yes she’s entrenched in a very busy young family and she’ll probably have more time as they get older to realize that if she loses her own personhood, her effectiveness as a mother won’t be as good.  Of course, here I am judging someone that I never met based on one blog post, but it triggered something in me.

I loved being a mommy. I was good at it until I got married, and then it was a struggle for a while, but I still raised her as well as I could.   She’s turned out to be a pretty cool human so I did my job, and her life is her own now.  That’s the point of parenthood isn’t it?  Enjoy the journey and then let them grow into their own. I always had my own thing to do away from her too. I HAD to work, but aside from that, I had music, or crafting, or something that I could do for an hour or two when I needed to escape from the chaos that my life was. Then when my turn at active parenting was over my life changed, a lot. She went to college, I divorced my abusive husband, and then proceeded to dance with doctors for nearly 5 years.  There were a lot of firsts there. Wow. Three surgeries, lots of healing and vulnerability that I had never felt before. It’s humbling, it’s humiliating, it will mess you up if you aren’t ready for it, and really, as much as I watched my own mom go through, I was probably better prepared than most, but no one’s ever really ready for two life threatening situations and a “minor” back repair in 5 years.

So now I’m nearly done with that and it’s time for Me.  I am 45 years old. If I thought that the rest of my life wouldn’t have any more firsts in it, I’d pack it up now.  After the last few years, I’m realizing that living is a choice. Not just existing. We all exist in the world, but a lot of us aren’t really living.  Life is to be experienced, challenged, and enjoyed, and that means trying new things, and learning along the way.  Life is full of firsts.

Today I had a chance to put some learning to use for the first time.  I’ve been studying dog training and dog behavior off and on for several years. I’m studying it more intensely now that I’ve decided that it will be put into practice soon.  I got to spend some time with a very young Jack Russell Terrier.  She’s gorgeous and spirited and friendly as any dog could be, but she hasn’t had a lick of training. She peed in the house twice, she nipped at my hands when she got excited while playing, and walking on a leash was an exercise in patience while she explored. She’s got a very dominant streak already and it will get worse as she gets older unless she gets some training. I can talk to her dog mommy about it, but she’s just starting out and not in a position to work normal hours in her life yet, so puppy classes are probably not going to happen.  I hope she figures it out and they can learn together.  I also learned that one of my preferred breeds is not a Jack Russel Terrier. She’s got way more energy than I’m prepared to deal with as a pet owner.  So it was a learning experience for me too.

All in all it was an excellent first time, a boost in confidence that I can apply my knowledge in a real situation, and also fun to play with a puppy for a few hours.

Now on to the next First.

Namaste

That was the best thing I’d ever done. The divorce took 2 years. During that time I learned how strong I am, and how strong she is, and how great my friends and family are. We both kept going and got through it. He’s no longer in either of our lives.  That is the best possible outcome and I’m thankful for it.

I had therapy with K last week too. In my inventory taking, I mostly came to the conclusion that I’m right where I’m supposed to be.  I’m making good progress in my life now, after a few years of floundering, having surgery and recovering then two more surgeries, keeping a job, taking care of what I can at the house, and maintaining family and friend relationships. It’s been a wild ride. I’m still recovering in a lot of ways, but I’m getting there.

She pointed out how far I’d come even since I started seeing her last year.  I needed to hear that. Sometimes it feels like I’m spinning my wheels.  I’m doing OK though. I’m encouraged. There’s still work to be done though. I’m on it.

I still have mixed feelings about not being married.

How the hell, out of me and my brothers, did their marriages last, and me, the well adjusted one, the intelligent, trained in counseling and fixing relationships, my marriage failed spectacularly?    That boggles me.

I enjoy the freedom that I have.  I want a dog, I’m getting a dog. I’ve weighed the pros and cons, I know about the responsibility and accept it. I raised a child, a dog isn’t nearly as intense, and I think it will be really rewarding, and grounding to have a dog in my life. I’m free to choose things like that.

On the other hand, it would also be nice to be married, to have and to hold, and all that. The biggest lesson in being single though is that I’ve found myself. The true inner me that I was never able or felt safe enough to let out before, and I won’t give that up to another man. I’ll gladly share myself, but I won’t allow another man to subjugate my life, marginalize my feelings, and walk all over me. I have some lofty goals huh? Living with Roomie is good practice, we test each other occasionally, and recently I didn’t back down, and to my suprise, the world didn’t end.

So 20 years later, here I am. Learning to love myself, making positive changes in my life. Standing up for myself, trying to create peace and love in my small corner of the world.

There is forward motion and that’s important. I’m not where I want to be yet, that will take a couple of years, but I’m not miserable anymore, and there are moments when I’m really starting to enjoy the ride.  I’m working on a plan too. You get no where in life without goals and a plan. That’s the new project for therapy, and life. For now though, a moment of contentment. I’m at peace with where I am, and that’s something that I couldn’t say when I was married.

Namaste

I understand the psychology behind it, but having never had a dog, I took a pass on the possibly aggressive, completely beautiful German Shepherd.  He’s a little more dog than I want.

I had a conversation this morning with a friend that I rarely talk to anymore.  He lives in Australia, and his wife has MS. Both of their elderly mothers live nearby too, so he’s a full time caretaker of three helpless women.  He’s a beautiful soul, a kind heart, and I talked to him about dogs.  I told him that I had been studying breeds, and that everything I’ve read about Standard Schnauzer’s leads me to wanting one. They don’t have a lot of health issues, they don’t shed, they’re medium energy, reasonable guard dogs without being overly aggressive and unbalanced, playful and fun loving.   He told me that they had one, and it was a wonderful dog for his wheelchair bound wife too. My freind and his wife, of course, are the most intelligent, balanced, peaceful people that you’ll ever know.  Cujo would be a good dog in their very balanced house. That they had a Schnauzer, and then a Schnoodle, which is a cross between a Schnauzer and a Poodle, led me into studying more breeds, and breed crossings.   This stuff is really interesting.  I may not actually get a dog for a long time, but just studying it is keeping me really entertained for now, and the more I know going into this, the better off a dog will be in my house.

Yesterday I was looking for a specific Cesar video on youtube, and I came across this:

There’s a lot of wisdom in this session between Cesar and Eckhart Tolle.

1. Never work against Mother Nature

2. Instinctual, Intellectual, Emotional, and Spiritual – 4 parts of the human world. Too many humans forget about the instinctual.

3. “My relationship with Mother Nature has no anxiety, no fear, no tension, no nervousness, it’s just in the now.”

4. Animals don’t fight balance, animals biggest goal is to achieve balance.

5. Dogs are guardians of Being.

6. Trust, respect, loyalty, then love comes.

7.When you have a dog in the home, it brings about an energy shift in the home.  The forgiveness, the hope that dogs bring into our lives is vital.

8. We’re the only species that follows unstable pack leaders. We’re the only species that last for hundreds of years fighting. Animals don’t do that.

9. Dogs are the door to the connection between humans and mother nature.

There are three parts to that youtube movie, if they don’t autoplay, click through and watch them on youtube.  They exactly define the reason that I want a dog.   They are the exact reason why my therapist thinks its a good idea too.  My life has never been in balance.  I’m closer to it now than I ever have been, and maybe a dog would help me find it and help me stay there. It would also keep me in a routine and I need that too.

OK, enough dog stuff for now.

Last weekend I spent a few hours watching two of my “teachers” and one new one that blew me away.  Oprah has this thing called “Lifeclass” and she did an hour each with Tony Robbins, Deepak Chopra, Wayne Dyer, and this woman that I’d never heard of named Iyanla Vanzant.  She’s got a lot of shtick to her, taglines, and all, she drove me a little nutty with it, it all seemed like an act for the first few minutes. But then I saw that she also doesn’t mess around getting to the lesson.   If you’ve got a few hours, I really really recommend watching all five of the shows. (The fifth show was with all 4 speakers and Oprah, a wrap up of all of the lessons on one show.)  There were moments in each that touched me to the core, but this one brought back a beautiful lesson that I learned from someone who was the right person, in the right time and place in my life, and he gave me a gift I’ll never forget.

Iyanla Vanzant Helps a Fatherless Son Heal

Powerful stuff.  She also talks about being addicted to your story, and that got me thinking too.  How I identify myself. What I am working on in therapy.  What started out, for me, watching this woman with her schtick, turned into a lesson that I needed at that moment. I’ll write more about this another time. I’m still digesting it myself.

I’ve rambled enough for now. I hope you take the time and watch the videos.

Namaste

]]> http://blackoaksdaughter.com/blog/this-weeks-lessons/feed/ 0 http://blackoaksdaughter.com/blog/patience-2/ http://blackoaksdaughter.com/blog/patience-2/#comments Fri, 27 Apr 2012 01:36:36 +0000 grania http://blackoaksdaughter.com/blog/?p=1229 Sticking to #3 in the previous post, I’m going to take a pass on the perfect puppy that I have my eye on.   He’s absolutely what I want in a dog. Young, Medium-large sized (he may have rottie coloring, but he’s shepherd sized) , low-medium energy, smart, loyal, house trained, short coated and gorgeous tri-colored.  He will grow into a beautiful adult.  He’s got one puppy issue though. He needs to be with his humans. His foster mom says he follows her around like an extra shadow,  even sleeps on a dog bed in her room. He doesn’t ever misbehave or need to be crated when someone’s home. He’s only alone for a few hours twice a week because she works part time, and he absolutely hates his crate. I’d have to crate him for 9 hours a day, with a break for a lunchtime walk in the middle, and that just seems unbearably cruel to do to a dog that’s not meant to be crated. This little guy has such a great spirit, I don’t want to be responsible for changing it for the worse.  I talked to Roomie about it to see if he’d just keep him company when he’s home on the computer, and he let me know again that he doesn’t care if I get a dog but he doesn’t want anything to do with it.  So that’s that.

I could pout and be frustrated and upset that I’m not getting the dog that I want, but there, unfortunately, are always more dogs.  This one just seemed like fate knocking.  I saw his pic and immediately thought “that’s my dog” before I even read the description.  Maybe no one will adopt him for a few months, and he’ll get over his issues.  Or maybe someone that can be with him a lot more than I can will take him home and give him a good life.  I’m going to let him go for now and practice patience.

My vet sent me a sympathy card for the cat.  It was in the mail today.  I opened it and lost it all over again.  I’m not over losing the cat yet, and between that and the frustration about not being able to provide this beautiful dog with a proper home, it’s been a rough day.

I’m going to go lose myself in some Downton Abbey and maybe a video game or two.

Namaste.

I’ve been looking around, and of course found what looks like the perfect rescue dog, but my house is not ready and I’m not going to bring an animal into an environment that is unsafe. There’s just too much stuff to get into right now, so I’ll spend a couple of weeks getting things ready inside, and keep looking for my new puppy.  I’ve already put a lot of thought into what I want.  First of all, personality is everything. I need, as Cesar says, a naturally calm, submissive dog.  No hyper puppies, or headstrong animals. It’s just me taking care of it, so it’s gotta be chill.    Secondly, I want a medium sized or maybe larger dog. No yip dogs, and my male cat is actually too skinny at about 17 pounds. He’s a large cat, so he’d beat the crap out of a dog that is smaller.  On the other hand, I don’t want anything too huge either. The shepherd/lab/rotty puppy that I’m in love with probably isn’t the best dog to start with.  Thirdly, we can skip the house training puppy stage and go straight for a dog that’s six months to maybe 2 years old or so, house trained, and ready to just be loved. I want a dog that’s young enough to have some life left, but I’m gone 10 hours a day, and Roomie is refusing to help so I need a dog that’s old enough and can deal with that. I can shorten the time that I’m gone by an hour or so if need be, but mama pays the bills, so mama’s gotta work.  That’s not optional, and it’s not fair to put a young puppy through that, so unless I can make that deal with  my boss that I’ve been trying to make about working from home, the dog’s got to be old enough to handle it.  The dogs that I’ve been looking at are a bunch of Shepherd/Lab mixes, a couple of springer spaniels, and yesterday a friend of mine found the most beautiful lab/akita mix.  My grandpuppy is half akita and he’s a pretty chill dog, so depending on the personality and energy level, that’s an option that I wouldn’t have thought of before.

I have never had a dog. Mom, with her illness and financial situation couldn’t handle one at home, and our yard wasn’t fenced all the way around, so that would have been a problem. Then when I was married, my idiot husband used to tell me all the ways he abused the family dog at his place, so I chose not to get one with his bad energy around.  Then after he was gone, I had too many cats, and a couple of them would not have adjusted well to a dog, so really, now is the first time when I’ve been able to consider it.  My two remaining cats are curious and accepting of pretty much anything.  They will be OK with a dog if I introduce them properly.   I brought it up with Roomie last night and he pretty much let his thoughts be known about keeping dogs outside, and you shouldn’t have a dog unless you’ve got the property to let him run free. Well, no one would have a dog if that were the case, and dogs do just fine inside.  My preferably short coated dog will be bathed when he needs it, and there won’t be any problems. Roomie lives in the basement, dog will live upstairs.  My dog, not our dog. He’s made it clear that he won’t care for it. That’s ok, I know he won’t abuse it either, so I’m willing to say my house, my dog and leave it at that.   Roomie loves my cats, he’s kind to them and helps me with feedings and stuff when work delays me.  He wouldn’t be a bad influence on a dog, his energy is positive, he’d just someone that is “friend” and not “caretaker”. I’m OK with that.  He can keep his outside dog opinions to himself.  I can hire a dog walker for the three nights every 6 months that I have a sales meeting that keeps me from home until late at night.

Aside from having wanted a dog ever since I could ride one  (our neighbors had a St. Bernard when I was small enough to play horsie with it)  I’ve had three people tell me that a dog would be an outstanding idea for me.

(1) my therapist, with whom I’m working hard at re-engaging my life with after a few years of trauma and detachment, has said a couple of times that a dog would do me wonders on so many levels. It would get me out and about, and exercising, and involved with another living thing on a level that I need to re-engage with in my life. Also it would help with my anxiety level. I mostly don’t exercise because I’m scared to walk around my neighborhood alone. A good dog/protector would help with that quite a bit.  That it would NEED walks as much as I do, would also get me out and walking.  I know that sometimes walking dogs can be a drag, but the trade off is worth it. I’ve already dealt with that in my head. Dog will be walked daily, rain, snow, whatever. We’ll deal with it and get out and about.

(2) My daughter, who has had dogs since about 5 minutes after she graduated college, has told me that she’ll help pay for the adoption fee, and if I need to, she’s potty trained a few dogs now, so she’ll teach me if i get a puppy, which I probably won’t, but the offer is there.

(3) Another friend, who’s Shepherd dogs are her life, said that I’d be good at a dog.  She knows how long I’ve wanted one, and how much I’ve studied breeds, behavior, and care giving. She will go with me to choose one, and make sure it’s a good match.

They are all correct.  There’s not a lot of reason against getting a dog and plenty of reason to do it.

There are things that need to be done though, before said beast makes his entrance into my life.

(1). finish de-junking the bedrooms.  I’ve made a lot of progress in my house since my ex left. This is the motivation that I needed to cut the strings with the rest of the junk that needs to go. It will happen quickly with the goal of getting pooch in the next few weeks.

(2). obtain dog supplies.  If I order them online, it will be half the cost of buying them at PetSmart or some other place.   I need to get a raised food/water bowl set, some toys, a tie out for the back yard until I can afford to get the fence fixed, a collar and leash, and a few other things.  I can do all of that for $100 online. The collar and leash will wait until I know what size neck to buy for.

(3). have patience enough to find a dog that fits with my life.  I’m not going to jump at the first dog I see. There are so many out there that need homes, I can be a little bit picky and get one that’s right, and not just rescue the wrong dog for me and be frustrated with it.  I found a rescue place who’s dogs are 100% fostered with families. They have about 20 dogs in different homes, and know and understand their personalities much better than a shelter that kennels their dogs. Their write ups show that they know what they are doing, and they have a couple of candidates that might work. I know that no dog will be the 100% perfect dog that I have in my head, but I’ll be careful not to adopt Cujo too.

I’ll give it enough time to get myself and my house in order before I get a dog, but that rescue place is the one that I’ll start with, once my house is ready.

So there it is.  I don’t have a lot of reasons against getting a dog.  I can afford food and vet, money is always tight but I can make it work financially by adopting a rescue, and relying on friends for the big ticket items.    I have the love to give and the house to share.  Most of all, the dog will be saving me as much as I will be saving it.

It’s pretty much decided.  Wish me luck.

Namaste.

People at work think that I’m a crazy cat lady. There was a period of time that I had four cats. Yes, I have successfully herded cats. How many people do you know that can say that? Four cats was too many.  Too much fur, too much litter, too many midnight gallops down the hallways.  Then one got sick, and I did the right thing for her.  I’ve had three cats for about 4 years now.

I like having pets. They live in the moment. They keep me in the moment. They don’t know about yesterday or tomorrow. It’s all about right now. Their purrs, their headbutts, jockeying for position by the hand that’s free enough to scratch their belly or neck, it’s all right now.

That thought helped me this morning when I held my old man cat as the vet put him to sleep. He didn’t know what was happening, just that I was holding him. He went to sleep peacefully in my arms. He was 18, diabetic, and his kidneys had failed quickly. He had declined rapidly in the last week, and I’m thankful that I just thought it was side effects of his new meds. Blissful ignorance. It would have killed me to know that those were his last days.  His blood sugar was so low this morning that the vet didn’t know how he wasn’t unconscious. He’d lost nearly 2 pounds since he was there a month ago. It was time. He wouldn’t have lasted more than another day or two and there was no reason to make him suffer because I didn’t want to let go. So I let him go. Peacefully.

Now I haz a sad.

But it’s OK.

In this moment right now, I’m ok.  I gave him a good life. I took care of his needs, I scratched his neck, combed his coat, and he kept me company for 18 years.  He was born in my bed. His mother was a stray that we rescued and in return she gave us 5 kittens a few weeks later.  I had him from birth, and he died in my arms, hearing my voice, calm, quiet, loved.

Now I have 2 cats.

Tonight when I feed them, I won’t have to get a syringe, load it with insulin, and stab a cat with it. I won’t miss that.  I can make the adjustments that I couldn’t make before to take better care of my remaining 2 cats. When there’s a diabetic cat, you can’t change their diets much, or go onto a feeding schedule like my other cat needs.  It’s been a juggle to get them all cared for as best as I could.

It will be easier now.

And every time I tend to them, there will be a cat sized hole in my heart, wishing that I still had to do all of that other stuff, because that old man cat was such a little ball of love. He did so well for so long. Most diabetic cats don’t make it for more than a couple of years on insulin.  He hung with me for a lot of years. I know in my head that what I did today was the right thing.  That doesn’t make it easier. I also know that it’s the price of having these creatures in my life. It’s a price that I pay willingly. Pets, for me, are not optional.

Now I have two.

After the assumption that several friends and family members had all their financial worries wiped clean, seriously, what would I do with what was left?

I’d have a nicer house, but nothing ridiculous. I’m not the 100 room mansion type.  I’d probably build a nice ranch house in the country on a few acres. Maybe in Iowa. It’s the state that seems to have the smartest politics, and there’s lots of land and rolling hills and trees and rivers.  The house would have 3 master suites, and 3 extra bedrooms.  Me, Roomie, and BFF would all enjoy the house, and there would be room for kids to visit/BFF’s youngest to live.  It would also have an exercise room, a music room, and a couple of large offices where my new company would sprout wings, and  workshop where Roomie could build anything he wanted, maybe 12 or 15 rooms total. It would also have an in ground pool. I miss my pool. I have an architect friend that I’d love to hire to design the house too. He’s designed a couple of gorgeous Japanese gardens, I’d want the house to be prairie style and part of the yard, closest to the house to be kind of a winding Japanese style place, with a tea room, and a waterfall and koi pond. The grounds/housekeeper couple or family would have a nice house nearby and a car and a good salary. I take care of my people.  There would be new efficient but nice cars for all of us in my inner circle that are driving 10 year old cars because we can’t afford to add a car payment to already stretched budgets, some new clothes and necessities. I’d live well, but I wouldn’t be wasteful or vain about it.  Comfort, ease, peace, and fun are more my goals. I refuse to keep up with the Joneses. I’d rather be less comfortable and help others with the excess than waste the excess trying to impress people that will never be impressed.

There would be a little of the good life. I’d rent a Harley for a few months and get that out of my system. One of my bucket list things is to take a road trip on a Harley and see the country off of the interstates.  Vacations would be rental houses for a week or two every few months. We’d start with the Big Island (Hawaii) and then decide on the next one after that.  I’m basically a home body though, I wouldn’t want life to be one continuous vacation. I want a place where I can stay grounded.

There would also be dogs. A small pack, maybe 3, to go with the 3 cats. There would be yard beyond the garden for them to run and play in and, because I could splurge, I’d fly Cesar Milan in to help us pick our dogs from a shelter, and get them home and integrated properly for those first few days. The yard would also have a few acre food garden, so we know where our food would come from, and could be assured that it was chemical free. Of course fruit trees all around too.   So there’s the first half million, maybe even a whole million.  That would leave a couple hundred million (or, now that we know there were at least 3 winners, at least 75 million after taxes). So, that would all get invested, even if it only made 3%, it would still be a couple million dollars a year to “live off of”. After that the principle would never be touched, and could be lived off of for the rest of mine and my daughter’s lives.  From the interest that we’d live off of, I’d take enough to be comfortable and travel a bit, and then make the rest salaries and expenses for my company with my friends, and for company perks like insurance, and a personal trainer for our company exercise requirement.

As for my new company, I have 3 friends, one is good with money, one is good with social work, and roomie is good with living a spiritual life, and together we’d do good things for many others, if they wanted to of course. No one is forced into this life, it’s all voluntary. There would be purpose to what we do, and rewards on many levels for helping others. I can’t think of a more fulfilling life than to use my resources to help others find their true calling.  I don’t know how to do that or what’s involved yet, that’s why I’d bring in friends that have a clue, but whatever we pursue would be done in a way that is congruent with creating peace on earth and helping people in ways that might include money, but might not.  I’d want to have more of an impact on the world then just handing out cash. Maybe we’d fund start ups that have similar philosophies, or start programs in neighborhoods that would benefit. I don’t know.  I’d do what the president does. Hire people and then let them fuel the think tank that the decisions come from.

I’d also take care of my daughter, with a place to live and enough to have a life, and if she wanted to be involved in the business, that would be great, and also her choice. She’s the independent type, but I’d hope that she’d want to have input.  She’d also be our tech guru Gotta make her earn the nice house, don’t I? Once a mom, always a mom.

So that’s the fantasy. I would have my own little humble empire from which many good things would happen.

Maybe next time.

Until then, Roomie and I will live in my little house and do what good we can on our limited means.  It’s not a bad life.

Namaste.

So K is all about grounding myself, staying present in my thoughts and being, taking stock in the moment right now, etc. The more grounded I stay in that stuff, the less I interpret life through jaded eyes.

She has a blog too, that sometimes is relevant to what I’m experiencing, and sometimes not, but last week there was a really goofy suggestion.  She borrowed an idea from someone, and I sort of saw the sense in it.  I spent a few hours over the weekend watching the Dog Whisperer in her honor.

Side note: Now I REALLY want a dog. I’d so rock being a good dog mommy. And it didn’t help last night that my daughter called and told me that her ex is neglecting the dogs that she left behind and could I take one.  I really REALLY have to wait to get a dog. I have 2 cats on their way out and I refuse to stress them with a full grown new beast in the house.  Sorry Minime, otherwise Ike would be hear as fast as I could get him. He’s such a sweet soul. Sigh.

But that wasn’t K’s intent.  The intent was to see that it is possible to be in the moment. Dogs live that way and Cesar understands it and lives there too when he’s with them.   He rocks the psychology, both human and animal.  And he’s cute   Who wouldn’t want a handsome, sensitive, intelligent man that happens to have 30 dogs… ahem.  He’s definitely on The List.  But I digress….

Dogs are instinctive, in the moment, and like us, seek balance. That was the point of watching that show.

Also, dear lord I love psychology. I’d be That Good at it if I actually followed the dream of becoming a therapist.  There’s a lot of gut instincts involved, just like dogs. Also, how cool would it be to help people get through the stuff that K’s helping me through. Not everyone is ready for it, but when it works, it works.

I’m digressing again. I do that a lot.

I also took her direction in a little bit of a different direction.

I’ve mentioned before that my mom was a hoarder. Watching that Hoarders show on TLC or Discovery or whatever channel it’s on isn’t as interesting when you lived it for 25 years, let me tell you. It’s actually kind of painful. Other people say  ”Look at that freaky woman”. I say “I lived that, I understand it, and that’s a whole lotta pain in all that junk there”.   Mom was the exact opposite of a dog. She couldn’t get to the moment because she kept herself so buried in the past.  It hurt too much for her to leave, but it hurt everyone around her that she wouldn’t join us in the moment, ever.

Watching that show brings back so many feelings.  But sitting there letting myself feel them, that’s the part that I never did before.  K’s blog this week is about Avoiding Avoidance.  Holy shit that woman knows me too well.

I have done an outstanding job of getting through life by denying any feelings that might get in the way.  It’s part of how my very bad, emotionally destructive marriage lasted 5 years too long. It’s part of why I’m in the physical condition I’m in.  Some people hoard stuff, others hoard food, and eat their feelings.

Ding ding ding!

So, the lightbulb moment that happened from all of that, was that my weight is a result of emotional hoarding.  I keep every feeling that I ever had inside. It’s mine, you can’t have it. nahnahfoofoo.   Unless I let you.  Which I won’t, unless you piss me off.

Then it’s usually with both guns.

Not really. I’m not that fierce (unless you’re my daughter getting that Mom Look, but even she laughs at that now). But when I’m mad, people notice because I just don’t ever get mad. I don’t let myself feel the things that should make me mad.  Outwardly people admire that in me. I keep my cool always.  If they only knew….

Mom kept newspapers, bags and bags of newspapers that she was going to read one day. Coupons, string, rubberbands that were so old they were brittle, 40 year old envelopes, etc. I keep feelings to myself. Good and bad, mostly bad. The good ones get shared when people need them. I’m good at getting people to smile when they need it.  The thing is that there’s no balance in it for me.  You see the good, always. The bad, nearly never.

I’m getting better at getting pissed at things.

Last week I had an adventure between the vet and the pharmacy.  It should have been one phone call, but it ended up being several phone calls and most of an evening wasted before my cat got the meds that he needs to live.  I got riled and I was still civil about it, but I let them know that I wasn’t happy.   It’s a start.

Six months ago I would have kept that frustration in and let it tuck into it’s own little place in my gut, or butt. Probably not boobs, what’s up with that?  Every other fat chick that I know has decent boobs. I’VE BEEN ROBBED!!!

I’m digressing again.

So I let a little bit of frustration out at the vet.  Big deal, right?  Yup, it is.

I let myself process the negative space that had been created by someone other than me, and then I let it go.

Just Like a Dog.  They feel things, they show it, and then in the next moment they’re chasing a ball, or getting a drink or sniffing a butt, or whatever. That moment is gone and the next one is here. They don’t dwell. They don’t beat themselves up about what they should have done. They just move on.

I’m connecting this insight to my daily life.  I have moments of clarity now that I didn’t have a few months ago before I started seeing K.  Some of them are completely agonizing to stay with, and sometimes I don’t. But sometimes I do. I let myself feel things, and process the feelings, and let them go.

The anniversary of my brother’s death was a couple of weeks ago. Staying present in the moment for that was HARD. I had to let myself feel the loss, the pain, the complete hopelessness.  I miss the hell out of my Big Brother. We didn’t talk much, but my world is so much different without the knowledge that my Big Brother was out there to protect me when I needed it… There’s a hole in my heart that will never heal. Right there next to the holes that my parents left when they died, and there are a few other smaller ones, but losing Big Brother, that’s a goddamn big effing raw gaping HOLE.

And letting myself begin to feel that impact is way easier to avoid  (eat) than it is to just feel it.  There are moments though, that it comes up and knocks me in the back of the head because I don’t let it into my head when I need to. I block that crap right out.  That’s what got me into therapy.  What it boils down to though, is that I either have to process this stuff or let it kill me too.

When I got to the point of not caring if I died, my brain noticed that. It screamed “You’re depressed, stop it!”  The psychologist in me listened to that.  It took me a while, and I was literally shaking when I made those few phone calls that I made to find a therapist, but the important part is that I reached out for help. Thank goodness K agreed to help me.  She ROCKS so much it’s almost frustrating.  How dare she be better than me at this psychology stuff

On a gut level (in the moment) I know this is the right path for me. It’s what I need to do to get back to living, getting rid of my own personal hoard, and finding the life that I was put here to have and enjoy.  Holy hell it’s hard though.

I have therapy tonight.  I hate going there because I know she’s going to turn that key to make me feel something, and I’m going to resist it with every bit of me, and she’s gonna call me out on it because she’s good that way and I’m gonna fight being in the moment, because two year olds fight it when you try to teach them what’s good for them, right? It’s just really angsty for me, and it’s natural to want to avoid it. Sometimes it takes most of an hour to get to that moment where I learn something about myself.  Last week we got there right at the end, and I had a huge A-Ha moment but it was time to leave and I couldn’t talk about it.  I’ve been thinking about it all week though, and the Dog Whisperer and Hoarder shows just helped me clarify it.

I’m really going to try and stay with this for that hour tonight. It’s hard.

It’s also delving into the unknown which scares the everliving crap outta me. I’ll talk about that next time though.

Namaste.

A. Age: 45

T: Travel favorite: ROAD TRIP!!!

U. Underwear: boring

V. Vegetable(s) you hate: Mushrooms, Broccoli or other similarly shaped treelike veg, Fried okra

W. What makes you run late:  Doing meme’s on my website at stupid hours of the night so i sleep late and rush out.

X. X-rays you’ve had: Teeth, hand, back, kidney, thigh

Y. Yummy food that you make: Lasagna!  Eclaire cake.

Z. Zoo animal: Big cats.  I’m lucky to live by zoos where they do good research, and care well for their animals. Zoos that aren’t so well equipped make me sad.

I’ve also been working every day on getting my crochet even enough to make a blanket. I found a beautiful pattern, and I’m to the point where I just have one more thing to improve and then I’ll start in earnest on that.

I’ve been working on my technological life too.  I saved up enough to get a new computer that will get me through the next few years. The macbook that I was gifted has been wonderful, but it’s now also three years old and relatively slow (my other hobby is gaming), and the new ones are ahead of that curve. So, I saved and saved and cashed in some vacation and used Minime’s educational discount and bought a new one yesterday. I’ve spent this weekend moving things over there and getting it set up. I’ll go visit Minime in a couple of weeks to get the things done that I don’t know how to do, and then I’ll have a much better computer.  In the mean time, I’m still working on the old one which is also OK. As I work I’m taking note of what I use and what I don’t.  It will all come together soon.

This new computer is quite the milestone as well. When I resurrected my finances last year with a little help from my family, I had a list of three goals.  The first was camera gear.  Well that one fell into my lap when Minime sold me her used gear to finance a trip that she was taking. The second goal was the new Macbook.  Mission accomplished.  The third goal will have to wait though. My tax bill this year will take a while to pay off. I’ll do that as quickly as possible and then when that’s done, and my credit rating has had time to heal, I’ll go either lease or buy a new or newer used car.

This new computer will make a difference in my blog too. Soon (and I’m excited about this) it will no longer be a huge process to post pics, so soon I’ll be able to show you what I’m telling you about!  The old Macbook didn’t have a card reader on it, so getting pics off of the camera was a multi-step pain.  That is soon to be a non issue and I’ll be posting more pics.  YAY!

Yesterday we also went to Ikea and I replaced a couple of lamps. I had one of those $8  floor lamps from there, and it had a good life, but I picked it up to vacuum around it a couple of weeks ago and it literally fell apart in my hand.  So, I have now upgraded to a $20 floor lamp. The base is about three times as heavy, the torchier is actually hand blown glass, and the switch is an actual on/off switch and not one of those rotating wheel switches.  It’s silly how much pretty lighting makes me happy.  I also got a beautiful little floral etched glowing globe of glass for my office.  As I de-junkify and simplify, that little light will be so pretty, and fitting in my cozy little office.  There’s some more motivation to continue the de-junkifying. Soon my office will be prettier. The tree outside will be green and leafy, and I’ll have a nice creative and relaxing space. YAY!

We also went for dinner at our most recent favorite place.  We got a really slow waitress, but the food was excellent.  All in all it was a really good day.

Minime sucked me into Pinterest too. We’re both getting ideas from it. It’s pretty amazing what happens when you turn a bazillion crafty creative people into a single collective hive mind. That’s what Pinterest is.  There’s food, decorating, fashion, crafts, photography, wisdoms and jokes, and anything else you can think of there.  She found a recipe for some homemade laundry soap and it makes a lot, so I had her bring me some to try. I didn’t want to make buckets full of this stuff and (1) have it be crap or (2) have me be allergic to it.  This weekend’s laundry was the test. If I don’t break out from it, I’ll probably switch to it. It’s ridiculously cheap, with nothing except the ingredients that laundry soap should have.  I’ve been paying between $14 and $20 a month for laundry soap. If I switch to this stuff, that might be my yearly tab for laundry soap.  We’ll see how this week goes. I even washed my sheets in it, so I’ll know pretty quickly.  My skin hates certain chemicals in some laundry soap, so if I wake up itchy, I’ll know.

Whew, it’s been a busy weekend.

Namaste