Black Oak's Daughter

I’ve been a little scarce around here lately. 

I’m gearing up for major surgery in less than 2 weeks. Going through all of the pre-surgical appointments, getting all the forms filled out, planning what needs to be done to get the house ready, the roommate ready, the bills paid, the important paperwork updated, and keeping the hand sanitizer close by. If I get sick now it will be post-poned, and that would suck.

One slight complication is that I hurt my knee a few weeks ago and it isn’t getting better. My chiropractor has been putting the TENS machine on it twice a week, and today he told me that if I weren’t having surgery, he’d be sending me for an MRI. The ACL or Meniscus or something is probably torn. If it was just muscular it would be getting better. I’ve got more important things going on, so  I’ll deal with that later. Being off of it for a week or two should help, so we’ll see how that goes.

and…Just because I don’t have enough going on right now, I also learned that the fees for my cell phone were going up, so if I wanted to bail on the contract and go back to my old company, who has better equipment for 20% less of a monthly bill, I had to do it before the end of the month. That became a bit of a hassle, but I got it straightened out in time.  Unfortunately, the phone that I want is backordered for a couple of weeks, so I had to go back to my old, not smart phone. I’m now going through app withdrawal   This wasn’t the best timing to do that. I have to carry both phones still, my iPhone still operates as an iPod touch, and it’s the one that I get my work e-mail on. The new smartphone should arrive when I’m home recovering, and that’s fine.  I have enough technology to get me through, and it will give me something new to play with about the time I’m getting bored to tears from laying around.

So, for the holiday weekend, I’m taking the cats to the vet, shopping for mulch so we can finish the flower beds that we’ve started, cleaning the house, organizing my office, finishing painting the garden boxes that Roomie made for me and then planting them, spending some time with my best friend at the arboretum, moving a couple of pieces of furniture, laundry, cooking, and one of these days I have to let my extended family know what’s going on.

I’ve got three days to get that all done, so I’m not too worried. As long as I don’t do a lot of stairs, I’ll be fine.

Roomie came through today in a big way too. I tried to mow the lawn a couple of weeks ago and paid for it with my knee. It was a week before it was back to only hurting when I straightened it. Today I came home and the lawn was mowed.  He found a neighbor kid to do it for a reasonable amount. The kid also cleans gutters, trims trees, and probably any other assorted odd job that needs doing around here.  That’s a huge worry that’s off my plate. I’m very thankful that he’s here to take care of those kinds of things for me.  Now I can devote the small amount of energy that I have to spend on the yard making it prettier and not just maintaining it. That is very cool.

Side note to my real life friends: my cancer blog has been revived and the details of the new medical stuff are there. Let me know if you need the link. 

Namaste

Comments Off

I got my bonus at work yesterday.  YAY!  In this economy, even though we’re supposedly recovering, my company has tightened up on a few things in order to keep us going, so we weren’t really sure we were going to get our bonuses.  Last time around we got half of a bonus. It was better than nothing. This time, we got the full deal. YAY! 

I planned a few weeks ago that I’d only spend a small portion of my bonus. The rest goes to the house, bills, and savings.

Today I bought:

• a new purse- I’m a one purse kind of girl, and the one that I’ve been using is 2 years old. 
• one last pair of shoes (flats)  to go with the other 2 pairs (walkers and I don’t know what they’re called but they are kind of like a moc but with a small heel that I can wear to work)  that I got last week. This was my first purchase ever from Zappos.com and I’m seriously impressed with their site. Totally easy to use, they take PayPal! and they’re cheaper than the place where I got the other 2 pairs. I have really wide feet. Tomorrow’s first task is to toss all of the Payless shoes that I shouldn’t have bought in the first place but coudln’t afford shoes that are actually constructed for my feet. YAY!
• a small storage unit for my office, because my desk is big and gorgeous and useless. Two little drawers and a PC cabinet don’t cut it so now I’ll have a cabinet and 3 more drawers and I can organize properly in there. And it will double as a printer stand so I get that part of my desk back.

That was all from the fun money portion of my bonus

My last “extravigant” purchases will be some photo software so I can venture into the land of HDR, as decent of a tripod as I can get for less than $50, and a HDR book by one of the coolest photogs I’ve ever stumbled accross. Seriously, stroll through his portfolio  and be impressed.   I have to learn how to do that. His work is seriously beautiful.  On a side note, I used to be a purist when it comes to photography. I thought that digital manipulation was for people that couldn’t get those images themselves, so they created them. Now that digital photography has evolved so much and become it’s own art form, I don’t have a problem with it. I want to play with it and see what I can come up with myself. I have a good friend that also has his work on SmugMug.com.  I think that once I get into it, I’ll set up my own place there and see what happens.

I also got:

• Furnace filters
• Water filters for my fridge
• a gardening tool that we’ve been looking for that I stumbled across at Target
• and a few extra things at Costco (thanks to minime’s mom’s day present of a membership there) along with generally stocking up on healthy food to continue down my road to wellness.
• an appointment to take the cats to the vet in a couple of weeks.

Those were from the responsible portion of my bonus.

Today I’ve also successfully talked myself out of buying a $300 netbook, $300 CS5, a really nice $400 lens, and a couple other multi hundred dollar things that I don’t really need.  Go Me! I got it back under control with each of those conversations with myself.

I  openly admit that now that I’ve given up emotional eating, I really have to keep myself in check with the emotional spending.   The feelings that I buried with food also like to be buried by the short term thrill that being spendy gives me. So, I got a little spendy for a few hours, and now that’s done.  Time to be a grown up again.  I’ve contributed enough to my photography hobby to be happy with it  for a while.

The weird part is that I’ve been struggling with the eating all week because we had our national sales meeting. I did my best to make good choices, but I also had a couple of drinks, and a couple of small desserts that I could have skipped.  I decided going into this, that this lifestyle that I’ve adopted isn’t one of deprivation. It’s very much one of joy, and self love, so I won’t beat myself up over a couple of drinks, just acknowledge that I had them and it’s only every 6 months that I even have occasion or desire to do that.   Desserts are a little more difficult, but I have a treat of some sort every day, and for the most part, between that and keeping my regular food as non-boring, flavorful, and enjoyable as possible, I really, honestly, haven’t felt deprived.  After a week of not being in full control though, the eating and the being spendy was beckoning me.  I think I’ve got both out of my system for now though.

Yay!

I hit the 40 pound gone mark before the sales meeting too.  Yay! 

Oh, and I carried all that stuff into the house, along with groceries, 4 cases of cat food, and 70 pounds of cat litter.  Seven trips up and down stairs, carrying significantly heavy stuff.  Can I tell you how good it feels to be able to do that, then not have to sit down before I put everything away.  My life is so much better now than it was a few months ago.

Yay!

Comments Off

When I was a little girl, I used to dream about my dream house. Turns out I was living in it when I was growing up, with a couple of exceptions/additions. I didn’t know that then though. We had 1/2 acre (double lot) in the city, and not the country setting that I imagined. The front porch was big enough for a bench, and the front door.  The fireplace was beautiful, the pool was in ground, and the rec room was huge. When I build my dream house, a lot of the elements from the house that I grew up in will be included.

I started this list when I was a little girl.  When I was a teenager, I started drawing floor plans. I still do that when I’m bored.

My dream house has all of the following: 

3 floors, bedrooms upstairs, living room, dining room kitchen, home offices on the main floor, and a huge basement with a big laundry/sewing room.

10 or so acres of land with a small river or pond running through it, and lots of trees.

an open front porch with a roof, and a screened in back porch where we’d eat dinner when the weather allowed.

lots of windows (can you tell that I’m a nature lover?)

a couple of fire places,

a master bedroom suite, complete with walk in closets that aren’t part of the bathroom. I hate that about a lot of floor plans that I see on line. All that moisture can’t be good for things. 

A second master bedroom suite, because why should only one person/couple have all of the luxury?

2 home offices. Roomie works from home now, and I wouldn’t pass up the opportunity if it was realistic.

1 guest room, peaceful, relaxing. A nice place for friends to stay when they visit.

a laundry room with a table to fold clothes, a sink for washing things that need hand washing,  enough room to hang a short line for drying, and room for things like ironing or sewing

A storage/cat box room

a swimming pool and or hot tub. I’m a water baby.

a rec room big enough for my exercise equipment and my video games

a garden where I can grow herbs, and vegetables. Also some fruit trees, berry bushes, and a strawberry patch.

The kitchen has a built in double oven, an island where the stove and breakfast bar is, a sink with a big window over it, marble counters, wood cabinets and floors, and stainless steel appliances. The window faces east, and the morning sun lights up the room. The walls are a nice buttery soft yellow, with maybe a few hand painted (not steciled) grape vines or flowers around the doorways.  The floor plan is open between the living room, dining room, and kitchen.  There is also a walk in pantry with cabinets, shelves, and plenty of light. 

I’ve spent a lot of time dreaming about this place in the country.

I’ve spent a lot of time putting my life back together after a pretty brutal tearing apart. The thing that I’ve realized in the process of that, is that home is where you are. For better or worse, where there is love is home. What makes a house a home is so much more than wood floors and marble countertops.  Sure I’d love to have a beautiful place like I dreamed of above, but I have a place now, and in that place are two people that care about each other. We’re not very good at telling each other that, but when one of us hurts, we take care of each other. When there are things that need to be attended to, the other takes up the slack on the things that need to get done. 

It’s been a rough couple of months here at Casa Grania, between my various strains from all of the new exercise, and his issues that have mostly passed now, there’s been a lot of opportunity to care for and do for each other.  That’s what makes this place that we live a home.  I strained my knee, he takes care of the lawn until I can walk safely again. He hurt his back and couldn’t stand up much, I cooked for a week or two so he wouldn’t have to stand. We do for each other, with love and kindness in our hearts.   That’s what makes this place home. Better than any silly dream house.  It’s a pretty crappy house compared to what I listed above. There’s no master suite, and the appliances aren’t shiny and new anymore, but the unconditional love warms my heart. It’s something that I look forward to coming home to every evening.  In the end, that’s my dream. The house doesn’t really matter, the love in it is what makes it a home.

Comments Off

Wow, spring.  I’ve been busy, at work and at home.  I’ve been buying some shrubs and a few flowers and herbs, and growing others. My seedlings are ready to be planted but it’s too early here, the chance of frost doesn’t end until May 15th, and last year it frosted a week after that.  I’m starting my butterfly garden this year. I have a butterfly bush and a few other little flowers. I also picked up a few herbs. Roomie has an idea about how to make the flower beds along the garage. He’s good at that stuff. He helped me a bunch today with planting the bigger things that I bought. Tomorrow I have a dentist appointment so I should be home a little earlier than usual, so I’ll plant the stairway pots, and maybe the herb garden.

I’m doing pretty well with my diet. I was aiming for 40 pounds gone before the sales meeting that starts in a week and a half, and when I weighed myself last Friday before work, I hit 39 pounds gone.  Now I’m going for 45 by the sales meeting and 50 before surgery that I hope to schedule in the first week of June.  The one minor complication right now is I strained my knee a couple of weeks ago and as it is working it’s way out it’s affecting my thigh and my calf and I’m really really tired of hurting, but I haven’t slowed down much.  My chiropractor is doing what he can to relieve the pain, and Roomie is a complete champ that mowed the entire lawn with his own sore foot and back to give my knee a few more days to heal before I walk that kind of distance again.  I laid off of the arboretum this weekend too.  Friday was Arbor day, and they have a plant sale for members then, so I went, but they had events planned through the weekend, so I’m avoiding the crowds. I like my peaceful places when they’re uncrowded and peaceful.

Closet shopping was fairly successful. I found a pile of shirts that I bought the last time I hit this weight. I washed it all today and they are hanging in the space that my wearable clothes hang in. 

Five loads of laundry, planting, vacuuming, dusting, minor kitchen cleaning, and lots of computer frustration all happened today.  In the past, I might have gotten the laundry done. The rest would have waited for more energy.  In spite of being sore today, I got a lot done. 

The new laptop is going back to get fixed this week.  I have to back it up first, but too many things are going wrong with it.  The mouse pad stopped working and the system says it’s working fine, but when you toggle it on and off it can’t find the device.  Any geek friends have any ideas?  I’ll be looking into Gateway support soon. Acer owns them now, so we’ll see how that goes. I really hope I don’t have to take it back to Best Buy. 

That’s it for now, I have a few thigns to finish, so..

Namaste.

Comments Off

I haven’t been writing much anywhere lately. Sorry about the lapse. It’s spring and I’ve been enjoying it.  

My best friend and I have been spending Sunday mornings at the arboretum. They have miles of trails there to explore.  Last weekend the bluebells were blooming, and the plum trees, and lots of other things. It is an arboretum, after all.   I took BFF on the two trails that I hike every time I go.  It’s really amazing to see things that were in bloom one week be totally gone and the next thing blooming.  The meadow that was barren, in the span of a week, is green and almost hidden by the bushes that were bare twigs a week ago, that are in there full flowery goodness now.  If the rain holds off, we’ll go again tomorrow. I have another path picked out. One that we can discover together. I’ve never been down it before.  We go early in the morning, when the birds are chirping, and the forest mammals are still around.  It’s very pretty, and very life affirming. 

I got a new hair cut last week. I also had it highlighted, which I do every few months. I said “a little lighter” so now instead of a reddish light brown, I’m basically blonde with some strawberry and brown streaks. It’s taken a few days to get used to, but I’m starting to like it.  I have bangs again, which I mostly comb back, but I think I need a little short hair to add some body and movement.  I’ve spent a few years growing out the last bangs that I had because I was tired of them, but I think I’m resolved to them now. They style well, and half the people at work said that between the cut and the color, I look about 10 years younger. Gotta love that.

I’ve also lost 34 pounds now, so that might have something to do with looking younger.  I was looking in the mirror the other day, and I can see the weight loss in my face. I can also see the same sag around the chin that my mom had, except I’m 20 years younger than when I remember it on her.  I hit menopause 14 years before her too though, so that probably has something to do with it too.  I’ll go see a dermatologist soon. My skin doesn’t like menopause. My face has never been this dry.  I’m not big on plastic surgery, but after I lose 34 pounds a couple more times, if my face sags like I know my belly will, I’m not opposed to getting my chin tucked back up to where it should be.  I don’t mind the lines that I’m developing, but just once in my life I’d like something to not sag.

My project for the rest of the afternoon is closet shopping    I have 2 closets full of clothes in various sizes.  I’ve now lost at least one pants size and my shirts are getting a little loose too, so it’s time to re-evaluate the wardrobe, and pull out some things that I haven’t worn in a couple of years.   The fun part is that it’s spring, so I can wear skirts that will fit forever.  Most of my skirts are the long flowy peasant (minime would call them hippie skirts) kind with drawstring waists, so they adjust to smaller waists easily.  Elastic can also be tightened pretty easily too, so while it’s warm and I’m on a downward size trend, maybe I can get through a couple of pants sizes during the summer so the interim wardrobe won’t cost so much.  I have 2 more smaller sizes of jeans to get through before I ‘m out of jeans, but the office clothes are expensive, so I’ll do what I can with what I have and buy some warmer clothes that fit in the fall.  

I had a nice dream last night. Usually my dreams are dark, and somewhat weird. This one was full of light and love, and abundance.  I had won the lottery, a HUGE jackpot, and after all of our debt was gone and the house paid for, and new cars for roomie and I were bought, I went around and made a lot of people’s lives much easier.  It was so much fun, and very vivid and real.  I might be so bold as to say now that my life is getting on track, I’m feeling better, taking better care of myself, and my dreams are reflecting it.   The laws of the universe are funny things.  Hopefully I’m attracting that kind of abundance in my dreams, and that will help me out in real life. I don’t know. It’s a nice thought though, to be able to help all the people out that I did in that dream.

For now, I’ll keep taking care of myself and thinking good thoughts.  Something good is bound to happen.

Namaste

Comments Off

I’m looking forward to a couple of days off this week.  I don’t take vacation days often, but I needed to cash a few in due to my outgo being more than my income this month (taxes) so I’ll enjoy the time to myself, and try to do a couple of fun things.

Tomorrow and Wednesday are my free days.  I scheduled 4 doctors appts (chiro, GP, dentist, Kidney doc), and probably an oil change on Tuesday.  Might as well get it all done and over with at once.  The only one that I’m nervous about is the kidney doc. Three months ago I didn’t feel like I was strong enough physically to do another major surgery yet, so that was one of my motivating reasons to change my life a bit. Three months later, I’ve lost 31 pounds, gotten off one of my two blood pressure meds, all the symptoms of type 2 pre-diabetes are gone, and my left hamstring is screaming because I’ve been exercising it more than it’s used to.

So tomorrow, I’ll stretch it really good before I spend a good part of the day walking and hiking at the arboretum again.  There’s a new exhibit there that I want to see, and the daffodils are in bloom, and there are beavers in the lake, and there are all kinds of reasons to go spend the morning with my camera and nature. It is so peaceful there early in the morning, hopefully I’ll wake up and get going early enough to catch the early morning light. We’ll see.

Maybe it’s my upcoming surgery, maybe it’s because I’m feeling better, but more now than I can remember for the last few years, I’m drawn to life, to growing things, to listening to the birds as the sun comes up, to capturing the essense of that that feeling with my camera in a futile attempt to remember those few sweet moments. 

The focus isn’t where I wanted it on that one, but it’s still stunning, and sweet. Those flowers were less than an inch across.  After I came up on these few, there was another patch of a few, and then up over the crest of the hill that I was walking up, there was an entire field of them. No taller than the grass, just a carpet of pretty little blue flowers in a small prairie in the middle of an oak forest.

The last time I remember enjoying the moment so much was standing on roomie’s deck at his house, just after sunrise, watching the barn swallows do their morning acrobatics, munching on the swarm of whatever little bug that was. The horses in the prairie behind the house were grazing, the fish in the pond were jumping at the same bugs that the birds were. It was one of those moments.

But I digress.

Tomorrow I”ll go there, and check out the exhibit, and the pretty, and the peaceful. Then I’ll come home and do some organizing in my junk room.  My company is sponsoring an electronics recycling week, and a friend at work’s son  is raising funds for a worthy cause through a garage sale that he’s having. So I’ve got an opportunity to donate to a good cause, and responsibly get rid of a bunch of computer crap that I no longer have use for. That will empty a good part of that room, I just have to work at it.

Tuesday is Dr day. At least I’ll have clean teeth for the urologist. LOL  The GP appt is just a check up to get my one blood pressure drug renewed, and I need a referral to a dermatologist. Menopause is not being kind to my skin. The chiropractor can crack my neck and stretch my hamstring. All in all it’s mostly just a “chore” day, except for the urologist.  Facing another major surgery can’t be put off much longer. The good news is that I’m in a lot better place physically and mentally than I was a few months ago, and judging how much my side has been hurting lately, it’s probably wise not to delay the inevitable any longer.  We’ll get the plan in motion to get that over with.

Wednesday I have to work for a couple of hours to get ready for a work meeting on Thursday that I’m not ready for yet, then I haven’t decided what to do for the rest of the day yet. I’d go to the zoo and play with my long zoom lens but the powers that be have put 20 miles of construction between me and there, so that’s probably out. I’ll probably just stay home and clean my yard, and get the garden ready for the plants that I’ve been seeding this week. They won’t get planted outside for a month or so, but I can rake the garden where they are going, and clean out where I want to put a few other plants this year. There’s no lack of stuff that needs to be done here and it’s supposed to be gorgeous out, so that’s the plan at the moment. We’ll see if something better comes up.

Namaste

Comments Off

Both of my parents birthdays were in the last few days. They are both gone now, but I still remember them on their days, especially my dad who was born on April Fools Day, eighty eight years ago.  I have written about them before.  They were amazing together.  I miss their energy in my life.

Around this time every year, I spend a few moments remembering and cherishing whatever few memories come to mind. I honor my parents now. It wasn’t always that way, but I was young and stupid once too, and there was a time when I didn’t respect my mom so much.  Fortunately we had a chance to reconcile shortly before she died.  I’m at peace with that now, but it took me a long time to get there.

They’ve been gone for a long time now.  I learned a lot of good things from then while they were here, like how to love, how to give, how to help. There is so much love in my life that they planted the seeds of, it’s pretty amazing.  They were truly good people, and anything remarkable that people see in me, came from them. They get full credit.

I also learned one very major bad thing from them.  I give Mom credit for trying to fix that for the few years before she died, but the damage was done.

My dad died of a heart attack in 1975. We didn’t know why then. His job as a plant manager was very stressful, that was blamed. His home life was happy but with two teenage sons it was work too. 

Nutrition wasn’t talked about. Back then, eating healthy meant home cooked food. We rarely ate at restaurants. Mom’s cooking was better and it was less expensive than eating out. Typically for supper, she made a meat, a potato or occasionally rice, and a veggie that the three of us kids had many different techniques to make them disappear off of our plates without getting into our stomachs.  I remember that there was a lot of bacon and eggs, and coffee cakes, and pancakes with butter and syrup at our family breakfasts.  My favorite supper was Pig in a Blanket, which back then was some round steak that had been pounded flat, then rolled up with bacon inside, and then fried, and the gravy was made from the drippings, including the bacon grease. My favorite lunch, when it was just me and mom at home, was called a “Francheezie”. It was a hotdog, that was split down the middle and then velveeta cheese was put in the slit, and the whole thing was wrapped with bacon, held together with toothpicks, and broiled until the bacon was cooked. 

Subtitle that last one, how to give a kid a heart attack before age 12.  But dang it was yummy. 

Mom learned, in the years after daddy died and she had her own heart issues and blocked arteries, that all that “good” food was not good nutrition.  She worked with what information she was given, and tried to improve our diets. She followed what was the conventional wisdom at the time. She used egg beaters instead of eggs, margarine instead of butter, turkey or soy bacon instead of real pig, diet soda, the list goes on and on. Every diet trick was tried. 

Now we know most of the “wisdom” that came out of that time was wrong.  Eggs aren’t bad for you, in fact the fat in them is the same as the good fat in olive oil, and the amino acids in the yolks are important. Transfats (read “margarine”) are unhealthy, bacon substitutes generally are not even close to the flavor of bacon, and I can’t eat soy, so most of them are out, and If I had to blame one thing for my size (besides me stuffing my face) it would be the diet coke that caused unrelenting cravings and hunger. 

On to a new chapter in my life. 

A few months ago, I changed my mindset.  If you go back to a time before there were all of the convenience foods, diet foods, pre-made sodium laden, fried in transfat crap foods, there was good wholesome nutrition.  Milk was whole, and quite often straight from the cow. Cheese was actual cheese and not that pasteurized processed cheeze food that is sold these days. Their meat sources were grain fed and free range. Vegetables and fruits weren’t “genetically enhanced” or chemically fertilized, unless you call manure a chemical. My grandparents all lived into their late 80s eating food that they made themselves, mostly from scratch, with the freshest ingredients, because they were around before proper refrigeration was too. 

 So, I thought, how hard could it be to go back to that, but to do it guided by the nutritional information that’s available now.

I didn’t go cold turkey. I still eat a frozen meal for lunch a few times a week. This is a work in progress. I did stop buying food in drive thru’s. I stopped drinking diet soda, or any soda at all.  At home, the trend is toward less ingredients, simple food, good spices and seasonings. I eat about half the meat and double the veggies that I used to for dinner.  More often than not, breakfast is oatmeal, cooked on the stove, with old fashioned oats, milk, and a little brown sugar and cinnamon. It’s really much better that way than those stupid overprocessed, over sweetened, done in 30 seconds instant things.

I’ve unlearned what I grew up with, and set out on my own path of discovery. I have to say, it’s a very tasty path. I’m still a foodie, I love it, I always will. But eating well now means eating healthfully, and that is the polar opposite of eating “diet” food or even “low fat” or “fat free”. I still buy and use real butter, and eggs, and most other things that my mom banished in the fight for her life.  Most of what I eat is naturally low fat. I don’t need to buy things that are processed to be that way.

Just a few months into this new journey, my cholesterol is excellent, my blood pressure is excellent, and I’ve lost more than 30 pounds. 

Mom would be proud.

Namaste

Comments Off

It was another rough week at work, even though I only worked three days.  Sometimes taking time off isn’t worth the stress when you go back and have to catch up.  I needed a good weekend, and I got one.

Friday we had a very quick employee sale at work and I got a brand new 32″ monitor/TV for about 1/3 of the cost that it would normally be, just because it’s disco’d and they wanted it out of the warehouse.  I got it hooked up tonight, and the picture is great, but the sound is bad. I’ll try a few things, like better cables and different inputs. If none of that works, I have a cheap surround sound system that would take care of the problem, so if that’s it I’ll connect it next weekend and have a totally overkill TV in my bedroom. But it’s cool and the deal that I got makes it worth it.   

Yesterday I went to visit my 91 year old aunt again. I am one of a team of two (her son is the other) that is her basic tech support and teachers for all things computer, and now that she’s got her own laptop, she’s eager to learn.  Her son, my cousin, has already taught her basic computer. She can get around in Word and e-mail, and save documents and stuff. We’re doing our best to be consistent between us and teach her in a way that doesn’t contradict each other.  She’s getting internet installed in her house in a few weeks, and that will be a whole new learning curve for her.  I’m so proud that she’s so willing to learn, and really eager.  That’s the kind of person I want to be at that age. She’s still involved with life and learning, and sharing her knowledge. That’s pretty amazing considering the amount of experience she has behind her.  She even wants to get on Facebook because all of her grandkids are there and she can keep up with them a little better that way.  How cool is that? She really is inspiring.

Today I had lunch with one of my dearest, closest friends. He’s my cousin’s ex husband, so it’s a bit of a strange relationship, but it works for us. He was the one that went with me to court when I got divorced. We don’t see nearly enough of each other. He lives an hour away, and he’s remarried nowto a really nice woman with 4 kids between them. It’s hard for them to get away too often without any of the kids.   That they spent that rare time and  drove down here to have lunch with me and then go shopping is very cool and special.  We talked a bit and got caught up, and hugged a couple of times. He’s a good hugger and I don’t get hugged much anymore, so I have to do what I can to keep up my hugslut status   I’m really glad that all of his kids are doing well. I’m related to his 2 sons, and they are both honor students and the older one is in sports too. They make him, and me, proud that they’re handling as much as they do so well.  

I came home and zoomed through 4 loads of laundry, cleaned half of the house, made dinner, and wrote for 3 blogs, so it’s been a busy day, but an excellent weekend. 

Namaste

Comments Off

I just had a good few days off from work.

I went to a cute little zoo that’s 25 min from me that I’d never heard of before.  I took my camera and tested out my new zoom lens and prime lens that I haven’t had a chance to break in yet.  I have a lot more learning to do, but the shots didn’t completely suck, so we’ll call that a win. I also bought/donated to the zoo and brought home a cute little painting that was done by a raccoon.  I liked the colors, and you can actually make out the footprints. It’s something different, and animal related. I’m a sucker for the unusual.

I spent most of Saturday with Mr and Mrs Minime. I picked them up at the airport in the morning, made sure they got a good breakfast, and then met up with them again after lunch at her Godmother’s house for a bit of video game dueling. Fun was had by all. It was good to see them and my best friend. We all need more time together.

I visited my 91 year old aunt and gave her my old laptop. I’ve been on the phone with her for 2 hours since then. Just call me Tech Support. Bless that woman, 91 and she’s writing down her life story, which has been pretty extraordinary. My laptop is helping with that and I feel very good about that.  She’s such a cool lady. And she hasn’t seen me since Christmas, which was 30 pounds ago, so the first thing out of her mouth was “you look great” and that feels good. 

I cleaned 3 boxes for donating and 2 bags of trash out of my junk room.  There’s almost an actual floor in there now.  The boxes are going to a friend’s son. He’s installing closet organizers at the zoo that I visited, and has to raise $1500 for the materials. This is for his Eagle Scout project, so it’s for two good causes, and it gets the crap out of my house.  I’ll try to get her more boxes of cra….er…. stuff from my house that I’m not using over the next few weeks. The sale is in May.

I’ve been watching Dr Oz’s show while I’ve been off.  I like him. He’s also reinforcing that I’m doing the right thing for myself with this new lifestyle.  I’m writing this while tonight’s episode of Biggest Loser is playing on my DVR.  I have been noticing lately that I can do things like go shopping for 3 hours, and then bring everything up into the house, 5 or 6 trips up and down stairs, and put it all away and not need to sit for a few minutes here and there.  I feel better, stronger. I have more energy. My weight loss has slowed down, but I feel so much better. I think it’s because I don’t eat crap anymore. My body craves things like smoothies and salads and not milkshakes and french fries.  My jeans that were tight are now loose enough that it bothers me. I wore a pair that are the next size down on Sunday. They fit snugly, but they were too tight over my sore kidney, so it will be a few weeks before I try them again.

Roomie’s got a pinched nerve in his back and it hurts to stand, so I’ve been cooking dinner every night that I’ve been home too.  We’ve had chicken, pork tenderloin, spaghetti, and more chicken. All with a plethera of veggies and an occasional scoop of rice or piece of bread.  He’s working to improve certain aspects of his diet, so it feels good that I can cook a little bit and it’s healthy and for the most part, tasty too.

Next weekend is already booked.  Saturday I’m going to my aunt’s to give her another lesson, and take a mouse. She’s struggling with the mouse touchpad on the laptop, and I don’t want her to get discouraged by that. She knows how to handle a computer with a mouse, so it’s an easy fix.  She just needs a little help with the newer version of Word that she’s not used to yet.  Sunday my favorite Cheesehead and his wife are coming to my area so we’ll have lunch and catch up.  It feels like ages since I’ve seen them. There will be some good hugs.

That’s it for now.

Namaste.

Comments Off

I grew up in a beautiful 3 bedroom brick home on a nicely landscaped double lot and with an in-ground swimming pool behind the house. The house was built in the late 1920’s, and had quite a history.  Houses built then also had very comfortably sized rooms.  It also had a fully finished rec room in the basement.  When I was little we had people over all the time. Between my parents entertaining, and my older brother’s friends, and the open door pool policy we had for our neighboors at dinner time (bring a dish to share and eat with us), it was always busy, and fun.  The joy in that place seldom stopped. We were happy. We were also a typical family, so there were ups and downs that families had, but somehow it all worked out.  That was my world for the first eight years of my life.

After my father died we kept the house, but with his energy gone, and my mother not having the time to grieve before she faced her own mortality the sanctuary that place had become was gone. It became four walls where we survived. 

Losing Daddy triggered some emotional baggage for mom too. She was a child of the Great Depression, and her parents had lost their house when she was 6 or 7 years old.  Once Daddy was gone, there was no real danger of us losing the house, it was paid off the month before I was born, but that didn’t matter. In her mind the tremendous loss of her soul mate triggered all of the fear that happened when she was little and her parents lost their home.

She spent the years after his death filling that beautiful house little by little. To the point of having rooms stacked with newspapers, books, clothes, everything that we ever used that wasn’t classified as trash somehow ended up in some corner of the house. It was never enough, the hole in her heart left by my dad never was comforted. Even when she remarried, he was a nice guy, but he wasn’t the force in her life that my dad was. 

She became endlessly frustrated and embarrassed that her house was a mess, but she couldn’t stop. It was never enough. She always needed more things around her. Until the day she died, almost 18 years after dad, that house was filled with stuff in an attempt to fill the emptiness that she felt inside. It was never enough.

It took my stepdad nearly two years to empty out all the crap enough to sell what was left.   He’d never seen the house when it was beautiful. Now that he did, it was just a big lonely house, so we sold it and he left to find his new life. It turned out really well for him. I was very glad for that, he didn’t deserve the screwed up existence that he got with my mom.  

When I was a tween, my life had the same kind of empty that hers did. I didn’t lose my house, but I lost my dad, and then, to some extent, my mom. She had her first open heart surgery six months after he died, and another one every other year or so until she died on the table. After the first 8 years of my blissful existence, the tables completely turned and it became a really shitty way to grow up. The joy that I knew was gone, but we stuck together and somehow got through it.  That empty hole in my life had as profound an impact on me as it did on my mother.  

Figuring all of this out has taken me years, in and out of therapy.  I have spent the last 30+ years of my life trying to fill that same hole that mom never was able to fill for herself. I have learned a lot on the journey. I don’t really have any life shattering regrets. There are a couple of guys that I should have left alone, but doesn’t every woman have a couple of those? My best friend would tell you that I excell at learning things like that the hard way. 

I think I’ve finally learned though.  No man, no food, no posession, no pet, no car, none of that can ever fill that hole.  None of it will ever be enough to fill the part of my soul that misses my parents, and that feels very cheated out of her happy childhood. So, I think the thing is that I need to do is to stop trying to fill that part of me.  It will never be full. Enough of that crap, really.

There’s a hole. Look, see, its there. Now move on. No gapers please…

I’ve been filling this hole with food for 30+ years.  Two months ago I stopped doing that, and for the last couple of weeks I’ve been struggling with something. I’ve done enough damage control to keep losing weight, and for long enough to figure out that the hole is what I’m struggling with.  That in itself is a minor victory. Today I weigh 29 pounds less because I stopped feeding the hole.

The stuff that’s not the hole is really mostly awesome. I’m smart, strong, and more than just a “survivor”. I posess a strong spirit. I am a child of God, and it’s about dang time that I remember that.  I live with a man that lives a life of peace and love. I have the best friends that a girl could ever want. I have a job working with some really cool people that I enjoy seeing every day.  My daughter is in the best place in her life that she’s ever been. The rest of my family is amazing. There is so much about my life that is blessed. There is so much more to me than that stupid effing hole. So why keep feeding the hole, and ignoring my life. I think it needs to be the other way around. Well mostly anyway. Ignoring the hole wouldn’t be a good idea either. But it’s had enough attention for now. It will be there if I ever want to go back and psychoanalyze it.

The hole will always be part of me, and I acknowledge that. But it’s not all of me.  I am so much more than that hole. I am the WHOLE. If I look at my WHOLE life I see a lot of good, and I’m so blessed, and that’s not lost on me.   There’s a lyric by Matt Morris that says “Love is perfect and plenty enough”. 

That’s the kind of  ‘enough’ that I’m going to be concentrating on for a while.

Comments Off